Rob's Amazing Film Collection: Part One (About a Boy - All About Eve)

Morning. My, you look most fine with the sun behind you like that.

I've decided to share my film collection with you. Why? I don't really know. I'm probably avoiding doing some real work.

What inspired me was looking at my collection, and thinking "Man, I've never seen some of these films. And there are some here I have seen, that I honestly can't remember whether I liked or not. Why do I have all these films? Why do I keep buying more?"

So I thought I'd have a little stream-of-consciousness ramble through my shelves. See what comes to mind. Maybe you will find it entertaining.


Here goes with Part One. Come with me, should the mood take you.

11.09.01

There's a few anomalies right here at the beginning of the alphabet. Things I wasn't sure where else to put. So we start with 11.09.01, which is a collection of short films about the 11th of September 2001.

It's a nice conceit. There are eleven short films, all of which last, I think, eleven minutes and nine seconds. And one frame? Maybe? Something like that. Clever. Or pretentious, depending on your mood.

The subject matter is necessarily tough going. Some of the films directly address the events of the day and have people going "Oh no, the horror, the horror". Some are really oblique and leave you trying to work out the connections. So if you don't like to work at your entertainment, probably give this a miss.

The one I remember best involves a black screen and lots of cross chatter from the emergency services on the day. The main takeaway here is that I'm very arty and have an impressive social conscience.

A Personal Journey with Martin Scorsese

I bought this when I was teaching film studies, in the hope that I could just put it on during classes and say, "Here, watch this while I go flirt with the admin staff."

Sadly, my students were unimpressed by an old owl-like man, shouting excitedly over black and white films and saying "Look at these shadows! Look at this camera angle! I am Catholic!" So I still had to explain what he was saying afterwards.

It's quite interesting, though Scorsese does go on a bit and all the films he talks about are super old. I would like a new version, where he has to watch the John Wick films.

Early Cinema - Primitives and Pioneers

Another hangover from my film teaching days. These are pretty good, though. Lots of early films, from the late 1800s and early 1900s. They are all about 30 seconds long, and they were made before anyone really knew what they were doing.

Subject matter is often banal, as the film makers were just excited to be pointing cameras at things. So you get films expressing ideas like, "Look - a wall!" or "Here comes a train!" or "This man has a hat!"

The titles are good though, and would provide a goldmine for people looking for names for their alternative rock band. Highlights include "Extraordinary Cab Accident", "Rough Sea at Dover", "Mary Jane's Mishap" and - best of all - "Sick Kitten".

About a Boy

Hurrah. An actual film. You've probably seen this one. Hugh Grant flops around the place being nice to a young boy so he can sleep with the boy's mother. I think. Is that how it goes?

I remember liking this a lot, and particularly enjoying the soundtrack, which is by Badly Drawn Boy. I went to see him in Leeds in the five minutes when that was a thing you might intentionally do. He was very entertaining and we missed the last train home.

Annoyingly, this DVD is packaged with Notting Hill. Nothing wrong with Notting Hill - it's very much the underappreciated "Hot Fuzz" to Four Wedding and a Funeral's "Shaun of the Dead". But it annoys me that I can't put it under "N" where it belongs.

The Accused

Saw this once, ages ago. Jodie Foster tries to get justice against some guys who abused her. I assume she does. I can't remember. It's one of those films that everyone is impressed by because of its themes, so it's hard to recall if it's actually any good or just very worthy.

Jodie's always good, though, isn't she? So I assume it's good.

Adaptation

Crazy old Nicholas Cage has fun playing himself and his own brother, who happen to be the scriptwriters of this very film. It's one of Charlie Kaufman's clever postmodern films where the act of narrative itself is up for grabs.

I mostly like this. It's a bit drab, and claustrophobic. I think it's meant to be. And I like the clever stuff about how we construct stories. Plus there's some really funny dialogue. It's not as good as Eternal Sunshine - also by Kaufman - but it is way better than Synecdoche New York, or whatever that godawful self indulgent wankfest was called.

Adulthood

Not-as-good sequel to Kidulthood, whose inferiority is signalled by its not-as-clever title. Kidulthood is a smart play on the word "childhood". Adulthood is just a word.

It's not bad, I suppose. An attempt to represent diversity and youth culture in British cinema is a good idea. Maybe I'm just put off because a film about me would have to be called "GrouchyOldManHood".

Adventureland

I can't tell you a thing about this. I've seen it, but all that's left is a vague sensation that Michael Cera might be in it. And Jesse Eisenberg? And they're on holiday at an amusement park. Possibly. Or is that The Way Way Back?

Why make films that I can't even remember watching, world?

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

Now this I remember liking a lot. Three drag queens ride round Australia in a bus. Something like that. And it's very colourful, and I think I watched it when I was feeling sad in 2010, and it cheered me up.

I do like films where prejudiced people get punched in the face. It's very pleasing to me, and makes me feel like I've done something to make the world better. When all I've really done is laugh because a bad man fell over.

I recommend this film. I should watch it again soon. I suspect it has many depths about which I've forgotten.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

This is very enjoyable. It does a decent job of expanding a TV-Sized narrative to a Movie-Sized one. No easy task. Especially with comedy, which doesn't lend itself easily to the most obvious way of upping the ante - raising the threat level.

In fact, the film plays with this very idea - a provincial character forced to step into a world that is just slightly bigger than he is ready to face. The stakes are relatively small scale in film terms, but massive for him. That's pretty clever.

It's not the funniest Partridge has been, but it's good fun.

Alfie

A very good film and one I've watched a bunch of times. The first time I saw it I was surprised by how dark it got in places. Its image is all cheeky chappie, winks to camera, zooming round 60s London in fast cars and snogging dolly birds.

It does have some of that, and Alfie is often a fun, imitable character. But there's a deep sadness and emptiness here too, as I recall. Michael Caine is excellent, and you can see why he became the star he did.

The film is also notable, to me, for the dialogue snippets sampled on "Falling on a Bruise" by Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine, which I would like playing at my funeral.

Alien (and sequels)


In order of greatness, the original Alien films go

Aliens
Alien
Alien 3
Alien Resurrection

Aliens is top monster shooting action, with a great script, believable characters and loads of thrilling set pieces. When I first watched it, on VHS one evening in 1987, I was so excited I persuaded three of my friends to knock off school the next day to watch it again with me. And we were the good kids! Such is the power of Aliens.

Alien is pretty good, and massively important for the way it developed the language of science fiction cinema. But it's a bit slow, and the monster looks a bit stupid sometimes, and there is no shooting.

Alien 3 is one of those films I like or hate depending on my mood. Some bold and interesting decisions were made, and I admire the attempt to do things differently. It looks great. But I don't think anyone really believes that it works.

Alien Resurrection has some cool ideas, like the clone Ripleys and the underwater aliens. But it is, unfortunately, complete nonsense and has a stupid looking monster at the end that makes you wonder if you feel asleep and are now dreaming about a much worse sequel that would never get made in the real world.

All that said, I'd watch any of them again in a heartbeat.

All About Eve

I saw this once, at Cineworld ten years ago, when they were doing a thing called 'Classic Wednesdays'. It was a good idea - showing old black and white films to a generation who would only ever have seen them on TV screens.

I remember being very excited about how powerful the imagery was on the big screen, and properly starting to appreciate the art of lighting black and white photography.

However. I also fell asleep, so I can't remember what happened. It is not as good as Killing Eve. Which goes to show that you shouldn't make a story "all about" just one person.

Cineworld chickened out of their cool idea before too long. The last time I saw them doing a "Classic Wednesday", the film in question was Sex And The City.

Sex. And. The. City.





Right - that's your lot for now. See you later, for whatever comes next. Oh - it's clearly Almost Famous. Right.

See what's next - here

Time is Relative - Season 12: Robot

Good evening and well then. 

Welcome to this, the latest instalment of my quest to watch all of Doctor Who, and then retell it without much care for how much sense it makes. 

We're up to Season 12, but don't worry. You don't need to know anything. Just look at the lovely pictures and believe everything I say about them.

Robot

Doctor Who has got a new face. He does this every now and then, and most of his friends have gone from being astonished to just shrugging, like you would with someone who wears a different 'crazy' tie to the office every day.

This latest face is extra bonkers, and Doctor Who is clearly delighted with it. He likes the eyes (good for mad staring) and the teeth (good for unnerving grinning, and biting).

Doctor Who finds some extraordinarily weird clothes and spends most of his first day being unusual. The Brigadier, who is his best mate, was hoping that Doctor Who might have changed into someone polite and easy to spend time with.

His face suggests that things have not worked out as he wished. 

Soon there is an exciting mystery to solve. Doctor Who and the Brigadier have gone for a drive to find out about the mystery, which is something to do with people stealing space guns. To their delight, it is a sunny day, so they just spend ages playing in the sunshine.

The guy in between Doctor Who and The Brigadier is called Harry, and he is fantastic. He says things like "Gosh!" and "I say!" and "Crikey!" In this respect he is very much Penfold to Doctor Who's Dangermouse.  

Sarah Jane goes to do an investigate to see who stole the space guns. She finds a Giant Robot, who would be excellent for stealing space guns, and a Clearly Evil Woman, who would definitely enjoy having space guns stolen for her.

"We have not stolen the space guns," says the Clearly Evil Woman. You can tell from Sarah's face that she's thinking, "You definitely have, and I'm going to make sure you die alone and unloved."

The Giant Robot is a great bit of design. He's got a lot going on, shape wise, and would be fun to draw. He also has a rather jolly demeanour which suggests he laughs loudly at almost everything, and would be good company to watch Anchorman with.

As I recall, he's quite a likeable character and most of the evil stuff he gets up to isn't really his fault. He just wants to make everyone happy, and it's unfortunate that everyone he hangs out with is evil.

The Giant Robot was made by this guy, with the mental hair. The guy with mental hair on the right. He's saying, "My robot is very polite and would never steal a space gun."

Doctor Who is fascinated by this. Or at least by something. He may well have just found something in his pocket that is fun to play with. He's not really paying attention to this adventure, and is watching events in much the same way a cat might watch Jools Holland's Hootenanny.

The Brigadier looks startled. I think he is frightened by the guy's hair, and is hoping they can leave soon, before he has a panic attack.

After Doctor Who and his friends go home, the Giant Robot comes out to play with his daddy. They have a lovely time together. I think the Giant Robot wants to do a dance.

Mad hair guy is saying, "We can dance, but first we need to murder all the humans so they don't stop our evil plans."

I feel sad for the Giant Robot. He doesn't know that his daddy is insane. He probably thinks everyone's dad wants to murder people.

Doctor Who is already bored of this adventure and wants to go and play in space. The Brigadier thinks he should stay and solve the mystery of the robot and the space gun, but is having trouble getting through.

Usually at this point the Brigadier would offer Doctor Who some wine, or a selection of cold meats, or suggest they go and laugh at Sergeant Benton's new haircut. But that doesn't work with this new Doctor Who.

Now the Brigadier has loads of wine and cheese in his cupboard, and he's more of a real ale man.

The Giant Robot goes on an exciting rampage. I can't remember why. I think the Brigadier has commanded his soldiers to go arrest all the bad guys, and in response the bad guys have asked the Giant Robot to go murder the soldiers while they run off.

This is a lot of fun for all concerned, and the bad guys are really missing out.

Doctor Who is persuaded to pay attention for just long enough to do some science. He makes some Robot Killing Stuff out of chemicals. Harry is being supportive, and saying "Gosh!" and "Crumbs!" in an encouraging way, to keep Doctor Who on task. 

The Giant Robot gets zapped with some power or something, and becomes even Gianter. He runs off to the country and demands that Sarah Jane be his girlfriend, and glows red with over-excitement.

Sarah Jane is basically fine with this. All the normal people she knows are very annoying, so maybe it would be fun to spend time with a Giant Robot for a bit. Sadly for her, Doctor Who turns up with his Robot Killing Stuff, and murders her new friend, before driving off grinning like a madman.

That's how that story ends. Come back soon for more adventures with the new Doctor Who.

If you miss the old Doctor Who, his final adventures can be found here. 

Time is Relative - Season 11: Part Three

Good evening and welcome. It's time for some more of my journey through the adventures of Doctor Who.

You know the drill. A while ago, I watched these stories, and took some photos of bits I liked the look of. Now I'm trying to remember what was going on. Sometimes I'm quite close to getting it right. The rest of the time... well, the pictures are pretty.

We're nearing the middle of the 1970s, when fashions were bold and hairstyles knew no shame.








The Monster of Peladon

In this story, Doctor Who is delighted to be reunited with giant green space penis Alpha Centauri. They are friends from an earlier, much better adventure, where they had a fun time drinking wine, wearing expensive cloaks and watching lots of other aliens get murdered.

You can tell from Doctor Who's face that he loves standing next to Alpha Centauri. He can be as weird and offensive as he likes, and he'll still be the one who doesn't look like a massive pulsating phallus in a charity shop dress.

The Ice Warriors are back for this story too. They look brilliant - all majestic and hard and like they'd win at anything that happened next, whether that be an orgy, a thermonuclear war or a game of Connect Four.

Alpha Centauri is clearly feeling a number of emotions. His face - in as much as it can be called a face - suggests that he is thinking back through the events of his life and realising how different they would be if he looked more like an Ice Warrior and less like an intergalactic sex toy.

There is a villain in this story, and he's pretty good. He's called Eckersley, I think, and he's ever so cool . Look how he's just ignoring Doctor Who and carrying on with his evil plan. Usually when Doctor Who stares like that at the villain, they give up and say sorry. The fact that Eckersley hasn't given up has rather spoiled things for Doctor Who, as he has no follow up. He's just going to carry on staring, I think.

Look at Sarah Jane go, though. Jo Grant would have been in tears by now, or fallen in love with a prince or been captured by dogs or something. Not Sarah. She's yelling, "Stop your evil plan, right now, you badly dressed ponce!"

He does stop, eventually, though I can't remember why. I think he tries to use a big gun and it explodes or something. Doctor Who claims credit, obviously.

Once the story is over, Sarah finds the Queen of the whole planet and spends ages telling her to sort her life out. Her main recommendations are:

a. Stop inviting killer aliens to invade you
b. Get a better hat
c. Don't let men tell you what to do - just shout at them and they will cry
d. If a giant green space penis asks you if he can come live here, forever, say "No."






Planet of the Spiders

This story is very exciting. First, a giant spider appears out of nowhere, and sits on a horrible rug. It is a super clever alien spider, though, and so as well as crawling about and looking gross, it can shriek at you and tell you to do stuff.

It has come to earth to find a crystal that Doctor Who nicked from the Planet of the Spiders ages ago. It finds some blokes and shrieks "Take me to Doctor Who please."

This bloke is delighted to help the giant spider. In return, the spider gives him magic powers. Look - he can shoot lightning now, like the Emperor from Star Wars. Cool.

The man chases Doctor Who about for a bit. He has not reckoned, however, with Doctor Who's plan to jump into a car and zoom off, laughing. Then they chase each other about all day, both appearing to have a splendid time.

The man - who is called Lupton - gets very tired of chasing/being chased by Doctor Who, and eventually teleports off to go and live on the Planet of the Spiders. He is friends with spiders now. Which is weird. I think a giant spider would have to do more than give me zappy powers before I decided to go home and meet its family.

I think Lupton looks a bit like late 90s David Bowie here. He liked Spiders too. Maybe Lupton was just one of Bowie's many personas.

The Spiders decide to jump onto Sarah Jane instead. "Go find Doctor Who!" They shriek. Which she does, as we can see here.

Doctor Who has been hanging out with this beardy guy. He's another Time Lord, which probably explains why his dress sense is ludicrous. They weren't expecting Sarah, and now Doctor Who has to pretend that they weren't about to take massive amounts of drugs.

Doctor Who is saying, "Why have you got a giant evil spider on your back?"

"Say that you don't!" shrieks the spider in her ear. This convinces no-one.









Eventually everyone goes to the Planet of the Spiders. Sarah's spider jumps off her and goes to play in its web. Sarah is freed of its control, but I think the spiders decide to eat her, so the day still requires significant improvement.

Doctor Who goes to confront the Massive Evil Queen Spider. She lives in this cool blue cave, made of crystals. She's going, "Why did you nick my crystal Doctor Who? I needed it for my cave." Which she blatantly doesn't - she's got loads. If she was human, she'd be the kind of person who buys films she's never going to watch, just to have a massive BluRay collection.

Doctor Who can't think of anything else to do, so he gives her the crystal. This makes her brain explode, and she sets on fire and everything collapses and blows up. Doctor Who runs off, having yet again won without actually doing anything except - in fact - basically lose.

Sadly for Doctor Who, his unearned victory is short lived. Apparently the big crystal explosion made radiation go everywhere, including into Doctor Who's brain and basically all over him. This means he is going to die.

Sarah Jane is quite upset. Even though he was a vain, selfish drunk with the personality of a psychopath, he was quite fun to be with. He could say the odd charming thing, when his mouth wasn't full of cheese or wine or racism.

Soon he will turn into another Doctor Who. But that's for another time. Goodbye Doctor Who number three. You had a hideous taste in shirts, but great taste in ladies and monsters.



What happens next? Take a look. 

What happened before this? Find out here. 

Time is Relative - Season 11: Part Two

Well hello, flirty sailor. Welcome again to this - my half remembered account of Doctor Who stories with accompanying pictures.

Don't worry if you've never seen the stories. That's why I'm here. To make vague guesses at what's going on and make up the rest.

We're half way through season 11, which is from the 70s, when the world was young.



Death to the Daleks

Sarah Jane Smith goes into space and meets these guys - hooded monster things whose faces seem to be in a perpetual state of horrified surprise. Perhaps they keep catching themselves in mirrors? "Arrg! Oh, it's me."

The Hood guys take Sarah to see their magic fire. This happens a lot to Sarah. Aliens are always showing her their sacred stuff. Then, when she looks insufficiently impressed, they try to sacrifice her.

There are some Daleks on this planet too. They are having a crisis meeting. Everyone is looking at the one on the top left and shouting questions and doing a panic.

Why are they on this planet? It's horrible, and the floor is very hard to do 'gliding about' on.  Why do they ever leave our own planet, where everything is metal and fun for sliding? Why don't their guns work? What if Doctor Who turns up? What if they get attacked by a giant metal snake?

The leader looks very sad. He does not know the answer to any of the questions.

If memory serves, they have run out of power, because this planet makes everything not work. This means the Daleks can't generally use electric power to move around, or they'd be totally stuck. They must have little pedals inside. to make them go.

I can't imagine they'd want anyone to know about that. It would diminish their gravitas.

Things have gone very badly indeed for this Dalek. The native Hood guys have decided to set him on fire, and are now doing a dance around his burning corpse. This sort of thing happens to Daleks quite often, because they are total space jerks and they have, at some point, annoyed everyone in the universe. That said, this kind of behaviour is unusually childish and weird.

This Dalek is accepting his fate with a kind of resigned stoicism. Yes, his head might be on fire, but on the bright side, he won't have to put up with Doctor Who laughing at him later on in the story and calling him racist names.

Amazingly, these Daleks carry tiny model TARDISes to shoot at. We're learning a lot about the Daleks this week, aren't we?

This does not reflect very well on them. It's one thing not liking Doctor Who, and wanting to shoot him in his stupid patronising face. But what's the TARDIS ever done to them? Maybe it's just easier to model. It can't be easy using a 3D printer with a big sucker hand.

Eventually the Hood guys capture Doctor Who and try to set him on fire. As usual, Doctor Who defeats them by mocking everything about their culture and calling their rituals pointless and derivative. This cuts them to the core, and Doctor Who is able to escape while they are having an emergency counselling session.

By this point in the story, everyone has been running round the planet for quite some time and it's becoming hard to work out why any of it matters, and indeed if there's any point to life in general.

The Daleks look quite alarmed here, and with good reason. Their guns don't work, people keep setting them on fire and - worst of all -  Doctor Who is around somewhere, and he always says very hurtful things to them when they meet. Not to mention the fact that this story is called "Death to the Daleks", which doesn't bode well for them returning to their loved ones when the story is over.

The Daleks spend the rest of the story posing about as if for a fashion shoot. This is a bold choice, and plays to their strengths. They do look great.

The one in the middle is really pulling it off, dominating the shot. The one to the left has adopted a wistful stare into the distance, suggesting a sensitive soul beneath the metal exterior. The one to the right, however, just looks sad. Maybe he was friends with the one who got set on fire.

Doctor Who has lost Sarah somewhere, but isn't really bothered, as he's found a disgusting little alien to boss around instead. They go on a journey into a mysterious city, and work out the mystery behind the power drain. Whatever that is - I can't remember.

The whole story is quite tedious and everything takes too long to happen. It does, however, end with this cool skeleton guy, who had the good sense to die before any of this started.


That'll do for now, I think Come back soon, for more - and hopefully better - adventures with Doctor Who.


Season 11: Part one can be found here

Season 11: Part three is here.

Time is Relative: Season 11 - Part One

Morning. Afternoon. Evening?

Welcome to another exciting journey into the world of Doctor Who. The premise is simple - I watch the show, take photos of bits that excite me and then present them to you, here. All accompanied with a vague attempt at remembering what's going on.

It doesn't matter if you know the show or not - this should be confusing enough to baffle new viewers while remaining inaccurate enough to irritate real fans.




The Time Warrior

Doctor Who sees an exciting Magic Space Ghost, playing in a big old house. This is annoying for Doctor Who, for a number of reasons. 

Partly it is annoying because it challenges his theory that space ghosts don't exist, and are just a thing stupid people believe in. He likes telling people that their beliefs are nonsense, and ghosts are excellent for doing just that.

Mostly, though, he is annoyed because it means he will now have to do an investigate, when he wanted to spend the weekend in a silk robe, drinking red wine and laughing at the Brigadier's moustache.

This story sees the introduction of best companion ever, Sarah Jane Smith. Here she is, looking both delightful and confused. She has accidentally gone back in time, and is clearly unsure why this has happened.

No mention is made of the fact that she must have been inside the TARDIS, and thus seen its massive, freakish 70s disco interior. She doesn't seem to have even registered it. 

This is a welcome change from the last companion, Jo Grant, who was thrown into a panic every time she met someone in an unusual hat.

The Magic Space Ghost lives here, in the past, with these guys. He doesn't want to. He thinks they're morons, and he is right. They wear jumpers made of dead cats, and shout angrily all the time - even when they're really happy and having a lovely day. 

Magic Space Ghost has landed here by accident and wants desperately to leave. I think he's persuaded these guys to let him do Science Experiments in their cellar. In return he lets them play with his Space Guns, and pretends to join in the awful workplace banter. 

Sarah sneaks into the bad guys' castle with this guy - Hal the Archer. They're both doing excellent sneaking, I think, and deserve to get in. 

Sarah is hoping that Hal will lead her to the people in charge, so she can ask them how to get back to normal times. She's already sick of The Past - no-one bathes, everyone is a misogynist, and their selection of white wines is laughable.

Magic Space Ghost takes off his helmet and - surprise! - he's a horrible alien with terrible skin and a worse haircut.  He's called a Sontaran, and his main hobbies are Science and Doing War.

He's reached a point in the adventure where he's thoroughly sick of everything that's going on. Other monsters get to do an invasion by this point, but there's only one of him, and so it would take ages. Plus, he's in olden times, so what would he even invade? There's no shops to smash up, or landmarks to destroy. 

It is stupid being him and he does not like it. 

I can't remember what's going on here. I think the Main Bad Guy has tried to fight the Sontaran, and it has gone badly for him. The Sontaran may look like he was drawn by a child who wasn't really paying attention, but he is excellent at hitting people in the face.

The Bad Guy is now trying to think of a way to backpedal. Maybe he could pretend that 'Toad Face' is Earth slang for "Really cool guy" and that hitting people with an axe is a mark of respect?

Doctor Who finally turns up and decides to get involved in the story. Sarah has changed into this rather fetching top and now looks like she's spending the weekend at a festival. 

Doctor Who is anxious to take her away from all this, and get her up to speed on the basic rules of Being His Companion. These involve:

a) Telling him he is amazing.

b) Making sure he has first dibs on any snacks or alcohol they come across in their travels.

c) Ignoring the things other aliens say about him - they are all liars, and stupid faces, and jealous, and anyway, it was self defence. 

d) Not minding if he suddenly tires of her and leaves her behind and gets someone new.

Doctor Who confronts the Sontaran, and says, "Stop invading the past. Also, your face is awful, and you have no friends."

The Sontaran finds this very hurtful, and expresses this by trying to shoot Doctor Who with his laser wand. Sadly for him, Doctor Who has got a special metal swirly thing, which makes the lasers bounce off. Or something. I can't remember how it ends. I think the archer guy from earlier kills the Sontaran, and then Doctor Who runs off, shouting "I have won again!"

Invasion of the Dinosaurs

This story is amazing. Massive Dinosaurs arrive in London and smash up some houses.

It is not very realistic, though, because everyone runs away and goes to live somewhere else. I do not think that is what would happen. I think everyone would go, "Hurray! Dinosaurs!" and run around laughing with delight, and drawing pictures of dinosaurs, and trying to ride on their backs. You wouldn't leave, would you?

This Dinosaur looks a little confused. He seems to have got half way through destroying the house, and had a sudden existential crisis. What did I come in here for? What's going on? What am I doing with my life?

Sergeant Benton arrives and gets out a big map. He's showing everyone the best places to go if they want to see a dinosaur. The place he's pointing at is the one he considers to have the best, most fun dinosaurs.

Sarah, on the other hand, looks furious. Whoever she's talking to has clearly said something very stupid. Now, normally that would be Sergeant Benton, but he's right there next to her. Maybe Doctor Who is just out of shot, shouting "Boring!" and repeating everything Benton says in a "thick person" voice.

Usually Doctor Who's companions just let him get on with being rude, sexist and drunk. Not Sarah Jane. She looks like she's saying "Shut your god damn mouth and let Sergeant Benton tell us about the Dinosaurs. And get a haircut - you look like an old woman."

Doctor Who goes to see the Dinosaurs. This one is all spiky and has a comically small head. It is looking around as if all its friends have gone to a club, but it can't remember which one, and now it is lost in a dangerous part of town.

Doctor Who does not seem at all excited to see the Spiky Dinosaur. He's just going, "Oh," like you would if you saw that Hot Fuzz was on ITV3 again. You'd quite like to watch it, but it wouldn't really matter if you forgot, and in fact you probably will forget and it won't really matter because you've got it on BluRay.

Raaar! It's that Dinosaur from smashing up the house earlier. He looks furious. Perhaps he's heard that this story is called 'Invasion of the Dinosaurs', and he's outraged at the injustice. He's not invading anything. How could he? What's he going to do - issue a list of demands? Dissolve the government? Build slave camps?

The media are rarely sympathetic in their treatment of Dinosaurs, and you never see them on Question Time. 

Doctor Who has found a Dinosaur, and made it fall asleep, and now it's next door, having a snooze. He seems to instantly regret this, and is asking Sarah if she has any ideas what to do next.

Sarah does not have any ideas. Apart from, maybe, "Have a plan in the first place before you bring a massive Dinosaur into the house."

Eventually the story ends and all the Dinosaurs go back home to the past. This is a great shame, as it has been loads of fun having them about.

They've also made a bit of an effort to fit in. This one has been learning about what to do at a T-Junction. He's got it wrong, but he's trying, and that's what counts.

That's all for this story. There was a whole subplot about a spaceship, but apparently I didn't bother taking any pictures of that. So you'll just have to imagine it.


See you later, for more of this - Doctor Who's eleventh season.


If you want to look at earlier stories -  go here to see the end of Season 10.


If you are desperate to find out what happens to Doctor Who next, go here for more of season 11.