Good evening and welcome. It's time for some more of my journey through the adventures of Doctor Who.
You know the drill. A while ago, I watched these stories, and took some photos of bits I liked the look of. Now I'm trying to remember what was going on. Sometimes I'm quite close to getting it right. The rest of the time... well, the pictures are pretty.
We're nearing the middle of the 1970s, when fashions were bold and hairstyles knew no shame.
The Monster of Peladon
In this story, Doctor Who is delighted to be reunited with giant green space penis Alpha Centauri. They are friends from an earlier, much better adventure, where they had a fun time drinking wine, wearing expensive cloaks and watching lots of other aliens get murdered.
You can tell from Doctor Who's face that he loves standing next to Alpha Centauri. He can be as weird and offensive as he likes, and he'll still be the one who doesn't look like a massive pulsating phallus in a charity shop dress.
The Ice Warriors are back for this story too. They look brilliant - all majestic and hard and like they'd win at anything that happened next, whether that be an orgy, a thermonuclear war or a game of Connect Four.
Alpha Centauri is clearly feeling a number of emotions. His face - in as much as it can be called a face - suggests that he is thinking back through the events of his life and realising how different they would be if he looked more like an Ice Warrior and less like an intergalactic sex toy.
There is a villain in this story, and he's pretty good. He's called Eckersley, I think, and he's ever so cool . Look how he's just ignoring Doctor Who and carrying on with his evil plan. Usually when Doctor Who stares like that at the villain, they give up and say sorry. The fact that Eckersley hasn't given up has rather spoiled things for Doctor Who, as he has no follow up. He's just going to carry on staring, I think.
Look at Sarah Jane go, though. Jo Grant would have been in tears by now, or fallen in love with a prince or been captured by dogs or something. Not Sarah. She's yelling, "Stop your evil plan, right now, you badly dressed ponce!"
He does stop, eventually, though I can't remember why. I think he tries to use a big gun and it explodes or something. Doctor Who claims credit, obviously.
Once the story is over, Sarah finds the Queen of the whole planet and spends ages telling her to sort her life out. Her main recommendations are:
a. Stop inviting killer aliens to invade you
b. Get a better hat
c. Don't let men tell you what to do - just shout at them and they will cry
d. If a giant green space penis asks you if he can come live here, forever, say "No."
Planet of the Spiders
This story is very exciting. First, a giant spider appears out of nowhere, and sits on a horrible rug. It is a super clever alien spider, though, and so as well as crawling about and looking gross, it can shriek at you and tell you to do stuff.
It has come to earth to find a crystal that Doctor Who nicked from the Planet of the Spiders ages ago. It finds some blokes and shrieks "Take me to Doctor Who please."
The man chases Doctor Who about for a bit. He has not reckoned, however, with Doctor Who's plan to jump into a car and zoom off, laughing. Then they chase each other about all day, both appearing to have a splendid time.
The man - who is called Lupton - gets very tired of chasing/being chased by Doctor Who, and eventually teleports off to go and live on the Planet of the Spiders. He is friends with spiders now. Which is weird. I think a giant spider would have to do more than give me zappy powers before I decided to go home and meet its family.
I think Lupton looks a bit like late 90s David Bowie here. He liked Spiders too. Maybe Lupton was just one of Bowie's many personas.
The Spiders decide to jump onto Sarah Jane instead. "Go find Doctor Who!" They shriek. Which she does, as we can see here.
Doctor Who has been hanging out with this beardy guy. He's another Time Lord, which probably explains why his dress sense is ludicrous. They weren't expecting Sarah, and now Doctor Who has to pretend that they weren't about to take massive amounts of drugs.
Doctor Who is saying, "Why have you got a giant evil spider on your back?"
"Say that you don't!" shrieks the spider in her ear. This convinces no-one.
Eventually everyone goes to the Planet of the Spiders. Sarah's spider jumps off her and goes to play in its web. Sarah is freed of its control, but I think the spiders decide to eat her, so the day still requires significant improvement.
Doctor Who goes to confront the Massive Evil Queen Spider. She lives in this cool blue cave, made of crystals. She's going, "Why did you nick my crystal Doctor Who? I needed it for my cave." Which she blatantly doesn't - she's got loads. If she was human, she'd be the kind of person who buys films she's never going to watch, just to have a massive BluRay collection.
Doctor Who can't think of anything else to do, so he gives her the crystal. This makes her brain explode, and she sets on fire and everything collapses and blows up. Doctor Who runs off, having yet again won without actually doing anything except - in fact - basically lose.
Sadly for Doctor Who, his unearned victory is short lived. Apparently the big crystal explosion made radiation go everywhere, including into Doctor Who's brain and basically all over him. This means he is going to die.
Sarah Jane is quite upset. Even though he was a vain, selfish drunk with the personality of a psychopath, he was quite fun to be with. He could say the odd charming thing, when his mouth wasn't full of cheese or wine or racism.
Soon he will turn into another Doctor Who. But that's for another time. Goodbye Doctor Who number three. You had a hideous taste in shirts, but great taste in ladies and monsters.
What happens next? Take a look.
What happened before this? Find out here.
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