Annoying DJ in Timelord Goosbump Conundrum

It will probably not shock you to find that I loathe and detest Steve Wright with a passion bordering on dementia. I’m not talking about the deadpan American comedian, with straggly hair. Not him. I like him more thanI like you. I’m talking about chirpy moustached radio 2 wanker Steve Wright in the Afternoon, a man who clearly believes himself to be a) funny and b) interesting when he’s c) neither and d) a git. I hate wasps, but I would let them live inside my mouth for a week if they agreed to sting Steve Wright in the genitals.

This week, though, Steve Wright made me happy. I was driving home from work after another hard day’s watching films with teenagers, and was listening to Radio Two. I knew I was likely to come across the jovial tosser and his afternoon session of self congratulation, but Radio Four had driven me away with its ponderous musings on vegetable crops, and Radio One is like being beaten about the head by a musical idiot. So I risked Radio Two, hoping it would mostly be music.

To my surprise and joy, not only was there music, but there was an interview with Mr Doctor Who himself, Matt Smith! And also lovely Karen ‘Amy Pond’ Gillan, whom I respect for her intelligence and personality. The time travelling twosome had come to be interviewed in a tedious and predictable way by the sniggering king of drivel, all the better to plug the new DVD box set which I really want for Christmas please.

What made the experience really great, though, was that Matt and Karen were a little late (“You should have used the TARDIS” chorted the Prince of Nob, snot fleeing from his weasily nostrils at the hilarity of his observation.) Because they were late, Steve played a bit of the Doctor Who theme. Nyeeeeoooom! It went. And then ‘Dummety dum, Dummity dum, Dummety dum’. At this I became most animated, and had brief joy, expecting the music to fade out once its work was done. But it didn’t! Beautiful, handsome, glorious Steve played the whole track! Middle eight widdly bit and all! Ahhh. Surely the best piece of music ever written, pumping away on the car stereo as I crawled through the traffic of the darkening evening.

It was a transcendent and wonderful moment. I love that tune, and hearing it so unexpectedly made me throb with near-erotic joy. It was like a little crack opened up in the gloom of the November evening and warm, glorious light peeped through; the fragments of a weirder, more exciting world. My hatred for Steve Wright melted away. The grey Wakefield sky unfolded above me and became a temple of marble, silver and glass. The drivers around me were revealed as fellow human beings, part of a glorious, universal whole with a single mind and purpose, rather than annoying fools who were getting in my way and driving like gimps. I loved everything.

Thank you Steve Wright. Thank you for unexpected Doctor Who joy. I hope that, when the revolution comes and you are shot in the head for waffling on like a tit, you die a quick and relatively painless death.

(edited to add: I am not suggesting we kill Steve Wright. Just that this is the kind of thing that might well happen in a revolution. Please do not kill Steve Wright and then blame me for giving you the idea.  And don't accidentally kill the other Steve Wright with the straggly hair either. He's funny. I like his joke about getting a humidifier, and a dehumidifier, and making them fight. Are we still in brackets? How embarrassing. Let's pretend we meant this to happen.)