Tuesday 2 November 2010

Naked Face Shocks Local Girls and Boys


Well, now Halloween is over, we need something else to occupy our minds. And so our thoughts turn, easily and naturally, to the subject of genitals.

As a man I am charged with the unenviable task of searching for tumorous growths in the squidgiest and most unappealing of places - the testicles. As Dylan Moran put it, 'Searching for a lump in a bag of lumps'. It is a mysterious process that makes the old needle/haystack conundrum look simplistic and fun. I'm not sure if I'm doing it right, or what I'd do if I found anything, apart from probably forget why I'd started and have a good old scratch. I am consoled by the fact that, if cancer happens to cast its evil gaze my way, it is far more likely to go for my liver, where years of alcohol have weakened all resistance. But then I wonder if you even can get that kind of cancer, and if it isn't the kidneys that I'm thinkng of. At this point I become confused, stop thinking about it, and go back to searching for exotic pornography or pictures of kittens.

Anyway. Believe it or not, there is a point to all of this. Because apparently I am not alone in my fear of goolie-based illness, and someone has set up a charity to help. Apparently one man dies every hour from this kind of cancer (not the same one - it's not like he's a really unlucky version of Lazarus). So in November there's this whole awareness-raisy help-funding thing goes on, and I'm doing it.

It's called Movember, and it's like a sponsored walk except that instead of walking we do the much harder thing of growing a moustache. I know, it's shamefully easy. But I have to grow it all month, and at some point it will probably become annoyingly scratchy. So don't think I'm getting an easy ride. And I'm probably going to cheat slightly a grow a beard, so I'm not even that good.

To sponsor me, go here. It may look rubbish for a while, but I hope to soon be adding my facial journey, captured in photgraphs and video. I shaved yesterday, so my face looks all fat and pudgy. But soon it will be a mighty forest, filled with wonders and terrifying beasts. And bits of food.

Alex is also doing this, here, and no doubt his will be loads better. But it's the taking part that counts. Or something.

Alternatively, of course, you can just give to a cancer charity. If, like me, you are sick of this disease and the random crap it inflicts on people, give it a kick in the face by putting something towards research and care. That would be good too.

Er.. all very serious. Ooh, I know. Jimmy Carr joke to finish:

A girl came up to me in the street and asked if I could spare five minutes for Cancer Research. I said, 'OK, but I don't think we're going to get very far.'

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