Time is Relative - Season 8, part three.

Felicitations! It's your favourite time of the week - the time when you get to read my vague and mostly misremembered accounts of what it's like to watch old Doctor Who.

But! There are photographs. So at least you can enjoy the haircuts.

In previous blogs I have detailed Doctor Who's struggle against guys made of plastic, a machine that made 'Evil' happen and an unsettling orange space penis.

Now it's time for the last story of season 8. It's a good one.


The Daemons

This week, The Master is pretending to be a Vicar. He thinks it's going to be a lot of fun, but he's wrong - it's tedious, and he's already regretting it. This mad woman is wittering on at him about demons.

If he was just being The Master, he could shoot her with his space gun. But because he's pretending to be a Vicar, he's meant to listen and look like he cares.

He is not really doing this either, granted.

This is the bit he really wants to do. Dressing up in a mad red frock and hanging about in the cellar, under the church, where there are stone monsters to play with. He's looking at the stone monster, thinking, "I might play with it right now. I can do what I want."

The stone monster comes to life, and his eyes go all red! This is excellent fun. Say what you like about The Master, he knows how to choose cool and interesting friends.

Soon, Doctor Who turns up to ruin everything, shouting and acting like he's the boss. Stone monster looks unsure what to do about this. Most people just run away, shouting, "Oh no! The stone monster is moving and it's eyes have gone all red!" Doctor Who just tells the stone monster to get lost, and waves some metal at it. The stone monster is wondering if it's too late to just pretend to be stone again, and has gone all still.

It is too late. He moved and everything.

Doctor Who goes to the pub and tells everyone that there's some evil happening, and they should probably do everything he tells them. Many of these things will be irrelevant and nothing to do with evil, but they will make Doctor Who happy.

You can tell by the looks on everyone else's faces that they want to keep him happy, as they know what a massive pain he will be if he becomes sad.

I like how everyone in this shot has a different colour jacket on. It's a bit like Star Trek.

Surprise! Stone monster has gone outside, and now he's terrorising everyone in town. Mainly by popping up and startling them. Though I think he does make someone explode at one point.

The Brigadier, meanwhile, has got stuck outside the village, and is having to rely on this science guy to sort things out. He is pulling a face that suggests he is in a sitcom called, "Well, Crikey!"

The stone monster is telling The Master about Doctor Who being mean to him. The Master is trying to be sympathetic, and not just say, "Well, wait until it's happened about a million times, like it has to me, and then tell me about it."

It is unusual for The Master to hold a monster's hand to make it feel better. I suppose the stone monster does look extra sad.

Doctor Who and Jo go to try find the Brigadier. It's good when they go driving about outside. I think this is the bit where they get attacked by a helicopter. Jo looks vaguely bothered, while Doctor Who just looks irritated.

Come on Doctor Who! You're having an excellent adventure, with a stone monster and a helicopter in it! Smell the flowers.

The Master, meanwhile, is back under the church, doing some Spells. Except he's pretending it's Science, because Spells aren't meant to exist in Doctor Who. But they totally do. He even says Spell words.

Doctor Who finds The Brigadier. It turns out there's a big invisible barrier that means The Brigadier can't join in the adventure. If you try to walk into the barrier, you catch on fire straight away and go completely dead. This is because of the Spells that The Master was doing, you see.

I mean the Science.

Delighted by his barrier, The Master does this. Which I think is meant to be spell-stuff, but does look rather like he has got into Iron Maiden too late in life, and is overcompensating.

Jo and Mike Yates have found The Master, and are excited to observe his new obsession with Spells/Science/Iron Maiden. This is a nicely composed shot, I think.

This is my favourite character in the story. I can't remember who he is or what he does, but just look at his face! He's like the distillation of '1970s British bit part actor'. He's cross, I think, but also sneering, and disbelieving, and superior, and possibly also hungry.

I'm not sure I could make my face do that, no matter how angry/sceptical/peckish I was.

Sneery face guy gangs up on Doctor Who along with this man, who is dressed in torn up newspaper. No-one comments on any of this, so we can assume that this kind of thing happened all the time in the 1970s. They tie Doctor Who up and point guns at him. Doctor Who is furious, though knowing him, it might be that he's just not had a drink in a while.

The Master does an extra big Spell, which makes a massive monster appear. He looks great, like this, doesn't he? He's loads more fun than Doctor Who. I wish he'd win.

Raar! Look at the monster! You can't tell from this, but he's very big indeed. It's a good thing he's a monster - he's have trouble getting a job as a supply teacher, for instance.

Jo freaks right out, and starts shouting at the monster. She doesn't want to be sacrificed, which I think is what is meant to be happening. Although quite soon after, she decides she does want to be sacrificed after all, just to be contrary.

Little stone monster seems very bored, now. I don't think he likes the grown up conversation as much as he liked jumping about killing people.

For some reason, Jo's freakout drives the monster mad. He gets all confused, and decides he doesn't want to be a monster any more, and explodes.

Doctor Who stares imperiously at the monster, and pretends he is responsible for its destruction, even though the monster exploded all by itself. "I have won!" he seems to be saying.

The guy next to Jo is thinking, "I'm pretty sure Doctor Who didn't win. It was the lady, surely?" But he doesn't say, because he's dressed in a hood that clearly suggests, "I have been doing mischief," and he thinks it might count against him in an argument.



The little stone monster goes outside and jumps about for a bit, looking cool. Then the Brigadier finally turns up and blows it to pieces with guns. Or maybe that happens earlier. I don't care - I just like pictures of him. He's brill.

Then they arrest The Master, and everyone goes home. It's been a great story, and everyone is very pleased with themselves.




That's the end of season 8. Hope you enjoyed it.



Season 9 starts here.


Season 8 part two is here

A lack of grace

It is unlikely I will ever become famous.

I used to think it was my destiny, in that arrogant, dickheaded way that friends of mine know and love. Surely I would be a well known writer or performer of some kind, and share my wonderful personality with the world. People would delight in the many exciting things that came out of my astonishing brain. I would bring them pleasure and, crucially, they would give me enough money to avoid having to do anything particularly difficult with my life.

 

Young me, quite convinced that he should be in charge of the world.

It has not turned out that way. I remain very unfamous. Less famous, even, than loads of other Rob Reeds, as a series of narcissistic self-Googles has taught me. Even that motorcycle trainer from Tiverton gets more hits than me. And so I must live a relatively normal life, with only a handful of friends having to put up with my artistic endeavours and world changing ideas - bearing the brunt of my enthusiasms as if they were Jesus and I were the sins of the world.

And thank God, it turns out, for that lack of fame. My younger self might be disappointed that we're not a regular guest on Would I Lie To You, but my older self is extremely grateful. Being famous looks bloody awful. For lots of reasons. But the one that's on my mind recently is this: you have to live in the increasingly judgemental, knee jerk, self righteous world of public opinion.

As I write, a series of accusations are being made about famous guys who are meant to have done a whole bunch of sexually horrible things. Harvey Weinstein was the big one - accused by dozens of people of incredibly abusive behaviour, particularly towards women. Kevin Spacey followed. Now Louis CK. I'm sure that by the time I've finished writing this, there'll be more.

Louis CK: A villain

To be clear, it's not the fact of these accusations that bothers me. If these guys have been abusive - and it looks like they have - then there should be a reckoning. Obviously. There should be accusations and consequences and questions about how it happened in the first place.

What's bothering me is the public reaction to all this. These guys are famous, so the accusations are public. The apologies are public. And the commentary is public. The whole thing is taking place in the public court of the internet, and it is revealing some very unpleasant things about who we all are as people.

Take Louis CK's apology. It is, to my mind, pretty comprehensive:


"These stories are true. At the time, I said to myself that what I did was okay because I never showed a woman my dick without asking first, which is also true. But what I learned later in life, too late, is that when you have power over another person, asking them to look at your dick isn't a question. It's a predicament for them. The power I had over these women is that they admired me. And I wielded that power irresponsibly."


That looks, to me, like someone owning their actions. He doesn't pretend they didn't happen. He gives some context to his thinking at the time, but makes it clear that he considers that thinking to be wrong. He addresses the real issue - that this is as much about power as it is about sex.

The internet does not, for the most part, agree with me. It is full of criticism for this 'non-apology' and snarky comments about what he should have done, and about what this says about him as a person. They make much of his use of the word 'admire', as if it is designed to make us think he's great. They say he should have come clean about this earlier. They say he doesn't mean it and he's only apologising because he got caught.

Well, maybe. Maybe it is a cynical, calculated attempt to dodge blame, and I'm just falling for it because I like his comedy. I can't deny that as a possibility. However careful I think I'm being to apply critical thinking to the situation, the fact remains that I want to like Louis CK, so I'm probably predisposed to find his words favourable.

But, maybe he's being sincere. I think that's possible. I think we don't know who he is, or what's in his mind, or how he feels. We can parse his words all we like, but when it comes down to it, none of us are free from our subjective position in the wider narrative of this week's events. We all carry the influence of our experiences and attitudes, and bring them to bear on situations like this, where we have incomplete knowledge. It might do us some credit to remember the limitations of our objectivity, when we are flinging accusations around.

We all think our world is the right way up, depending on where we are.



None of this excuses or absolves Louis CK. What it does do is ask that we take responsibility for our response to him, and not make that response an exercise in black and white thoughtlessness - a response designed to make us feel better about ourselves by attacking someone else.

I think it's quite likely that yes, CK is only admitting this because it's been made public. Because that's what I would do. Actually, never mind would do. It's what I do. Don't worry - I don't recall ever doing any of the horrible things Weinstein, Spacey or CK are accused of. But I've done plenty of other things that have upset plenty of people over the years. And you can bet I don't relish the idea of discussing them with the world.

I've behaved selfishly and stupidly and in ways that have abused the trust of those who loved me. Sometimes it was deliberate, sometimes it was weakness. Sometimes I made myself think I wasn't doing anything wrong, and pushed down any internal voices that told me otherwise.

How could this vain prick have ever possibly been considered selfish?

If I was famous, these behaviours would likely come back to haunt me. And I bet that's true of most of us. Who here could stand the glare of public scrutiny without worrying that some past misdemeanour was about to bubble up? And who would gladly embrace the exposure of those behaviours - those stories about which we are rightly ashamed?

You might say, well, these accusations against CK and the like are much worse. There's no comparison to the things we've done. To which I can only think... would that matter? We're already in a world where mere allegations can end careers. Where people are suggesting half-jokingly that we should sack men the second an allegation is made, just to be on the safe side. Where the public court of opinion has no time for nuance, thoughtfulness or giving the benefit of the doubt.

I'd be terrified to be famous now. I'd worry constantly about the horrible pressures I put on poor Sarah Fenchurch when I was 17, to go just that little bit further than kissing and cuddling. Bad behaviour for sure. Imagine that, under the magnifying lens of public opinion. Of a Twitter mob who feel they know every situation inside out. Who feel that their rage gives them licence to act as judge, jury and executioner. Of a media industry built on a broad brushstroke idea of morality, that has no time for subtlety or forgiveness.

I've seen a lot of that this last week. "Louis CK joked about the 9/11 terror attacks," said as if it has any relevance whatsoever. There was that Tory MP who might have looked at porn, finding himself spuriously lumped in with the abusers. As if there's just a big pit of 'bad things' that we can throw everything into. It's an idea of morality that's easy to practice, because it requires no actual thought, while allowing us an unearned, self righteous rush of pleasure.

What I'd like to see is just a little grace. Some sense that the rights and wrongs of a situation are not instantly obvious. That even if someone has done something wrong, that doesn't necessarily give us licence to crow loudly about how superior we are to them, and demand their head on a spike.

Because yes, people like Louis CK might be trying to fool the world with a false apology. But on the other hand, they might just be flawed, rubbish human beings like the rest of us. They might have made mistakes which they'd like to correct. They might have been struggling for years to deal with their demons, and kept failing, and been ashamed of that failure.

The selfishness and stupidity of famous people does not give us the excuse to forget our responsibilities. We should be careful how we judge. Ready to listen. Prepared for people who've got it wrong to want to change.

If we don't, we're just making the world worse. Telling people with weaknesses that there's no place for them to admit their failures. Making it imperative that everyone keeps their demons locked up tight, where they'll always be a danger. Reducing everything to an child's idea of 'good and bad'.

Making a world where, one day, we might find ourselves wishing for a little grace, and wishing we hadn't shouted it out of existence.

Time is Relative: Season 8 part two

Like any normal person I spend a lot of my time watching Doctor Who, in broadcast order, from the start, and taking photos of scenes that please me.

I present these photos to you here, along with some helpful guidance as to what is going on. I'm basically Jesus, if Jesus had a very different idea of what 'helping' meant.


The Claws of Axos

In this story, a bunch of guys called The Axons turn up. That's them, all with golden haircuts. They've all dressed exactly the same, which is probably embarrassing for them. They should have co-ordinated before they came to earth. Now everyone will think they're total geeks.

They're saying "Hello. We love humans, and we're definitely not here to invade you and basically eat your planet."

Jo does a sneak into their spaceship. The walls are the same colour and pattern as the Axon jumpers. Jo's thinking, "I would never decorate like this. These guys are jerks!"

Jo has never been on an alien spaceship before. But she still thinks that this is probably one of the worst ones.

Doctor Who is telling the Axons that they better not try doing an invasion. He's brought a bunch of mates with him in case it kicks off. The Axons are saying, "We definitely won't. We've come to be nice. That's our main thing."



The Master show up. He'd like to help the Axons invade earth, even though their leader looks like a massive space penis.

The Master is trying not to look at the space penis. He's needs to say, "I agree - we must destroy the humans!" and he's afraid that if he looks up, he'll just involuntarily shout, "Space Penis!" instead.

Mother and Father Axon are having a chat about how the invasion is going. They think it's going pretty well and that the humans are delighted to see them.

Apart from Doctor Who, obviously. He's been a total jerk to them. But they expected that. Doctor Who is a jerk to everyone, and is famous across space.

This is a pretty cool shot. I think the Axons are making a duplicate of this guy, so he can go spy on the humans.

If I was them, I would have spent ages trying to work out why I couldn't get the hair right - not realising that it looks fake on the real guy in the first place.

The Master has escaped from talking to the Space Penis and now he's going to do some evil. Starting with killing this soldier. The soldier will be sad to die, but I don't think he's enjoying his job, so there'll be a silver lining.

Zap! The Master shoots the guy in the back. He has spent all afternoon in the room with the Space Penis, and he has some anger to work out of his system.

The Axons turn into giant splodgy monsters and attack everyone. This is a relief to all concerned, as it means that the story is nearly over.

These Axons are doing a dance in the road. They are not supposed to be. They are supposed to be doing an invade. But they don't get to go out often, and no-one will know. Weeeee!

This happens.

What is 'this', do you think?

All I know is, Jo does not like it. She is shouting, "This was the worst story already, and now there are spinning heads as well."

As always, The Master realises that his plan is stupid, and says, "Please Doctor Who, can I be on your side for a bit?"

Doctor Who heaves a heavy sigh and says yes. They team up and make the Axons die. Then Doctor Who has to listen to some very traumatised, quite Freudian stories from The Master. Then The Master runs off, like he always does.




Colony in Space

 Doctor Who goes into space and meets a huge Death Robot that tries to kill him with metal claws. He is mostly fine with this. For Doctor Who, avoiding robot death claws is like trying to fix a paper jam is for a normal person. Only not as annoying, now I come to think about it.

These are the guys who own the Death Robot. The one with the moustache is saying, "Why have we even got a Death Robot? Are we evil?"

The Captain - the one with terrible hair - is thinking, "We are evil, but I'd better not say."

After about five minutes, Jo gets captured by alien savages. She has so far been very polite and not mentioned how horrible their massive heads look.

The leader of the savages is this guy. His face is not good. It looks like a child tried to make a face out of clay, but then got bored.

Jo reacts to the leader's face like this.

Jo's interpersonal skills need considerable work.

Doctor Who, meanwhile, is having fun wandering around a quarry. He's having a nice time in this story. There are aliens all over the place, and the Brigadier isn't telling him what to do. Also, he's in space, which is his favourite place.

The alien priest guy is saying, "Please kill all the intruders now." He does a big dramatic flourish to prove that he means business.

I'm not sure it will work. The aliens on the left looks like they assume he's talking to someone else. The alien on the right is not paying attention at all. He's going over an argument he had earlier, and coming up with really good things he should have said.

Doctor Who turns up and says "Please don't kill Jo. She's very rude to aliens, but a) it's her first time in space and b) you do have a face that looks like someone threw up a cabbage and then put a cloak on it."

The aliens let them off, and everyone goes home. There's also some cool stuff with The Master and the evil guys from earlier, but it wasn't very visually pleasing, so I didn't take any photos. Sorry.





That'll do for Season 8, part two.


Season 8 Part Three is here.


Season 8 Part One is here.

Time is Relative: Season 8 - Part One

Salutations! It's me, here with more exciting thoughts on Doctor Who. This time, it's season 8!


Terror of the Autons



This story is mostly about this guy. He's Doctor Who's worst enemy, even though we've never heard of him before. He's called "The Master" and he has made a number of fairly bold fashion choices. He turns up at a circus, as you can see, and instantly starts bossing people about and telling them to be evil.

 

Everyone is intimidated by the severity of his jacket, so they do as they're told. Watch out, Doctor Who!

 

 

 

 

 

Also new this series is Jo Grant. She's the new companion, and she's fab. Look at her lovely smile. She's so charming! Which is a good thing, as she's almost completely useless and nearly gets Doctor Who killed on a regular basis.

 

 

 

 

 

The Master's evil plan involves using all the stuff in this room, which is up at the top of a big telescope. To his horror, when he gets there, he meets a weird bald man eating an egg. You can tell by The Master's face that he hates all the things that are happening to him right now.

 

 

 

 



The Master's reaction is to shoot bald-egg-beard man with a special space gun.

 

Killing people doesn't matter to The Master. He doesn't even look like shooting this guy is the thing foremost in his mind. He's probably thinking about something else, like why black clothes never stay truly black for very long, once you've washed them a couple of times.

 

 

 

 

 

Here's yet another new character! This story is full of them. This one is called Captain Yates. He's a complete pillock. Look at him, chortling away to himself and hoping Jo thinks he's amazing. Jo does not think he's amazing. Maybe this is why she keeps nearly getting everyone killed - she's trying to get rid of Captain Yates.

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway. The story is also about these guys - the Autons. They were in it last year, and they were terrifying. Which is why this is called Terror of the Autons, I suppose. They're made of plastic, and these ones are pretending to be policemen. The fat one still has a pretend face on, so he can get close to humans without them screaming and running right off. That makes them harder to kill.

 

The other has had his pretend face ripped off, so we can see how evil he looks. Which is to say, very. And their hands have come off! Nightmare.

 

 

 

 

 

Zzzapp! This is a great image. He looks super cool. He's probably the most popular of all the Autons, and gets put on the front of the staff magazine and that kind of thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Later, another type of Auton turns up. This one looks like a doll, which is supposed to be a disguise, so you will take it into your house. Then it will come to life and do a strangle on you, and you will go "But it was just a doll!"

 

But, right, why does it look like the devil? Surely rule one of pretending-not-to-be-evil is "Don't disguise yourself as the devil"?

 

 

 

 

This is another, slightly more successful disguise. Still kind of nightmarish, though. Given that their main idea is "Invade the earth by disguising yourself and blending in", it's a shame that the Autons have such a weird idea of what 'normal' looks like.

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway, the invasion doesn't work, even a bit. The Brigadier turns up, with all his friends, and blows them all up with guns. Even in this moment of victory, you can see that Captain Yates is being annoying and that the Brigadier is already regretting letting him join in.

 

 

 

 

 

The Mind of Evil

 

 

It's another adventure for The Master. This week he's in a car, telling this woman what to do. She looks like this always happens to her, and she's sick of it, and the second she gets home she's going to blog about this under #everydaysexism.

 

 

 

 

 

Hurray! It's Sergeant Benton. He's got a giant missile to look after. He's telling this guy that the missile absolutely must not, under any circumstances, get stolen by evil aliens. The look on his face suggests that he has been trying to explain this for quite a long time, with limited success.

 

 

 

 

After about twenty minutes, The Master has stolen the missile. He is delighted. He's also got a magic box which makes people see their worst fears. And a cigar! He's having a right old time.

 

 

 

 

 

A lot of this story happens in a prison. There's an evil machine which is full of Evil, and that's The Mind of Evil. Possibly. It's not really made explicit. But the machine drains Evil from people's brains, and turns it into... fear? I think. It's all a bit abstract.

 

Anyway, the upshot is that there's this little cute machine thing and it zips about the prison making people go "Arg!" in the head. Like this guy. He was going to shoot The Mind of Evil, but now he's just having a terrible time inside his own brain.

 

 

 

 

 

Doctor Who finds out that The Master has stolen a missile, and taken over a prison, and made a Mind of Evil happen, and of course he's furious about all these things. He's shouting at The Master, saying "Stop doing so much Evil!" and "What is wrong with you?"

 

 

 

 

 

The Master does not stop doing evil, and instead locks Doctor Who and Jo up in a cell. Then he stays with them, and annoys them by talking all the time about how ace he is while they are trying to play draughts.

 

Doctor Who is not worried. He knows that The Master's plans are always stupid, and never work, so all he has to do is wait until The Master is running around panicking and crying for help.

 

 

 

 

 

Sure enough, the Mind of Evil goes mad and everything goes wrong, and The Master has to come to ask Doctor Who for help. They make friends for a bit, and make The Mind of Evil explode.

 

But then The Master runs off, laughing, as if he had won. You haven't won, The Master. Look - your Mind of Evil is on fire. Idiot.

 

 

 

 

 

That'll do for now. More of Season 8 coming soon.

 

If you somehow missed Season 7, you can find it here.