Friday, 27 October 2017

Time is Relative: Season 8 part two



Like any normal person I spend a lot of my time watching Doctor Who, in broadcast order, from the start, and taking photos of scenes that please me.

I present these photos to you here, along with some helpful guidance as to what is going on. I'm basically Jesus, if Jesus had a very different idea of what 'helping' meant.


The Claws of Axos


In this story, a bunch of guys called The Axons turn up. That's them, all with golden haircuts. They've all dressed exactly the same, which is probably embarrassing for them. They should have co-ordinated before they came to earth. Now everyone will think they're total geeks.

They're saying "Hello. We love humans, and we're definitely not here to invade you and basically eat your planet."




 
Jo does a sneak into their spaceship. The walls are the same colour and pattern as the Axon jumpers. Jo's thinking, "I would never decorate like this. These guys are jerks!"
 
Jo has never been on an alien spaceship before. But she still thinks that this is probably one of the worst ones.
 
 
 

 
Doctor Who is telling the Axons that they better not try doing an invasion. He's brought a bunch of mates with him in case it kicks off. The Axons are saying, "We definitely won't. We've come to be nice. That's our main thing."
 
 
 
 
 

The Master show up. He'd like to help the Axons invade earth, even though their leader looks like a massive space penis.
 
The Master is trying not to look at the space penis. He's needs to say, "I agree - we must destroy the humans!" and he's afraid that if he looks up, he'll just involuntarily shout, "Space Penis!" instead.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Mother and Father Axon are having a chat about how the invasion is going. They think it's going pretty well and that the humans are delighted to see them.

Apart from Doctor Who, obviously. He's been a total jerk to them. But they expected that. Doctor Who is a jerk to everyone, and is famous across space.





This is a pretty cool shot. I think the Axons are making a duplicate of this guy, so he can go spy on the humans.

If I was them, I would have spent ages trying to work out why I couldn't get the hair right - not realising that it looks fake on the real guy in the first place.





The Master has escaped from talking to the Space Penis and now he's going to do some evil. Starting with killing this soldier. The soldier will be sad to die, but I don't think he's enjoying his job, so there'll be a silver lining.






Zap! The Master shoots the guy in the back. He has spent all afternoon in the room with the Space Penis, and he has some anger to work out of his system.







The Axons turn into giant splodgy monsters and attack everyone. This is a relief to all concerned, as it means that the story is nearly over.





These Axons are doing a dance in the road. They are not supposed to be. They are supposed to be doing an invade. But they don't get to go out often, and no-one will know. Weeeee!





This happens.

What is 'this', do you think?

All I know is, Jo does not like it. She is shouting, "This was the worst story already, and now there are spinning heads as well."





As always, The Master realises that his plan is stupid, and says, "Please Doctor Who, can I be on your side for a bit?"

Doctor Who heaves a heavy sigh and says yes. They team up and make the Axons die. Then Doctor Who has to listen to some very traumatised, quite Freudian stories from The Master. Then The Master runs off, like he always does.




Colony in Space



 Doctor Who goes into space and meets a huge Death Robot that tries to kill him with metal claws. He is mostly fine with this. For Doctor Who, avoiding robot death claws is like trying to fix a paper jam is for a normal person. Only not as annoying, now I come to think about it.






These are the guys who own the Death Robot. The one with the moustache is saying, "Why have we even got a Death Robot? Are we evil?"

The Captain - the one with terrible hair - is thinking, "We are evil, but I'd better not say."





After about five minutes, Jo gets captured by alien savages. She has so far been very polite and not mentioned how horrible their massive heads look.





The leader of the savages is this guy. His face is not good. It looks like a child tried to make a face out of clay, but then got bored.






Jo reacts to the leader's face like this.

Jo's interpersonal skills need considerable work.





Doctor Who, meanwhile, is having fun wandering around a quarry. He's having a nice time in this story. There are aliens all over the place, and the Brigadier isn't telling him what to do. Also, he's in space, which is his favourite place.





The alien priest guy is saying, "Please kill all the intruders now." He does a big dramatic flourish to prove that he means business.

I'm not sure it will work. The aliens on the left looks like they assume he's talking to someone else. The alien on the right is not paying attention at all. He's going over an argument he had earlier, and coming up with really good things he should have said.





Doctor Who turns up and says "Please don't kill Jo. She's very rude to aliens, but a) it's her first time in space and b) you do have a face that looks like someone threw up a cabbage and then put a cloak on it."

The aliens let them off, and everyone goes home. There's also some cool stuff with The Master and the evil guys from earlier, but it wasn't very visually pleasing, so I didn't take any photos. Sorry.





That'll do for Season 8, part two.

Part three is here.

Part one can be found here.

Saturday, 7 October 2017

Time is Relative: Season 8 - Part One


Salutations! It's me, here with more exciting thoughts on Doctor Who. This time, it's season 8!


Terror of the Autons


This story is mostly about this guy. He's Doctor Who's worst enemy, even though we've never heard of him before. He's called "The Master" and he has made a number of fairly bold fashion choices. He turns up at a circus, as you can see, and instantly starts bossing people about and telling them to be evil.
 
Everyone is intimidated by the severity of his jacket, so they do as they're told. Watch out, Doctor Who!
 
 
 
 
 
Also new this series is Jo Grant. She's the new companion, and she's fab. Look at her lovely smile. She's so charming! Which is a good thing, as she's almost completely useless and nearly gets Doctor Who killed on a regular basis.
 
 
 
 
 
The Master's evil plan involves using all the stuff in this room, which is up at the top of a big telescope. To his horror, when he gets there, he meets a weird bald man eating an egg. You can tell by The Master's face that he hates all the things that are happening to him right now.
 
 
 
 

The Master's reaction is to shoot bald-egg-beard man with a special space gun.
 
Killing people doesn't matter to The Master. He doesn't even look like shooting this guy is the thing foremost in his mind. He's probably thinking about something else, like why black clothes never stay truly black for very long, once you've washed them a couple of times.
 
 
 
 
 
Here's yet another new character! This story is full of them. This one is called Captain Yates. He's a complete pillock. Look at him, chortling away to himself and hoping Jo thinks he's amazing. Jo does not think he's amazing. Maybe this is why she keeps nearly getting everyone killed - she's trying to get rid of Captain Yates.
 
 
 
 
 
Anyway. The story is also about these guys - the Autons. They were in it last year, and they were terrifying. Which is why this is called Terror of the Autons, I suppose. They're made of plastic, and these ones are pretending to be policemen. The fat one still has a pretend face on, so he can get close to humans without them screaming and running right off. That makes them harder to kill.
 
The other has had his pretend face ripped off, so we can see how evil he looks. Which is to say, very. And their hands have come off! Nightmare.
 
 
 
 
 
Zzzapp! This is a great image. He looks super cool. He's probably the most popular of all the Autons, and gets put on the front of the staff magazine and that kind of thing.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Later, another type of Auton turns up. This one looks like a doll, which is supposed to be a disguise, so you will take it into your house. Then it will come to life and do a strangle on you, and you will go "But it was just a doll!"
 
But, right, why does it look like the devil? Surely rule one of pretending-not-to-be-evil is "Don't disguise yourself as the devil"?
 
 
 

 
This is another, slightly more successful disguise. Still kind of nightmarish, though. Given that their main idea is "Invade the earth by disguising yourself and blending in", it's a shame that the Autons have such a weird idea of what 'normal' looks like.
 
 
 
 
 
Anyway, the invasion doesn't work, even a bit. The Brigadier turns up, with all his friends, and blows them all up with guns. Even in this moment of victory, you can see that Captain Yates is being annoying and that the Brigadier is already regretting letting him join in.
 
 
 
 
 
The Mind of Evil
 
 
It's another adventure for The Master. This week he's in a car, telling this woman what to do. She looks like this always happens to her, and she's sick of it, and the second she gets home she's going to blog about this under #everydaysexism.
 
 
 
 
 
Hurray! It's Sergeant Benton. He's got a giant missile to look after. He's telling this guy that the missile absolutely must not, under any circumstances, get stolen by evil aliens. The look on his face suggests that he has been trying to explain this for quite a long time, with limited success.
 
 
 
 

After about twenty minutes, The Master has stolen the missile. He is delighted. He's also got a magic box which makes people see their worst fears. And a cigar! He's having a right old time.
 
 
 
 
 
A lot of this story happens in a prison. There's an evil machine which is full of Evil, and that's The Mind of Evil. Possibly. It's not really made explicit. But the machine drains Evil from people's brains, and turns it into... fear? I think. It's all a bit abstract.
 
Anyway, the upshot is that there's this little cute machine thing and it zips about the prison making people go "Arg!" in the head. Like this guy. He was going to shoot The Mind of Evil, but now he's just having a terrible time inside his own brain.
 
 
 
 
 
Doctor Who finds out that The Master has stolen a missile, and taken over a prison, and made a Mind of Evil happen, and of course he's furious about all these things. He's shouting at The Master, saying "Stop doing so much Evil!" and "What is wrong with you?"
 
 
 
 
 
The Master does not stop doing evil, and instead locks Doctor Who and Jo up in a cell. Then he stays with them, and annoys them by talking all the time about how ace he is while they are trying to play draughts.
 
Doctor Who is not worried. He knows that The Master's plans are always stupid, and never work, so all he has to do is wait until The Master is running around panicking and crying for help.
 
 
 
 
 
Sure enough, the Mind of Evil goes mad and everything goes wrong, and The Master has to come to ask Doctor Who for help. They make friends for a bit, and make The Mind of Evil explode.
 
But then The Master runs off, laughing, as if he had won. You haven't won, The Master. Look - your Mind of Evil is on fire. Idiot.
 
 
 
 
 
That'll do for now. More of Season 8 coming soon.
 
If you somehow missed Season 7, you can find it here.