This time, we're wandering towards the end of the 'B' section. Let's see what's in there.
Box of the Banned
Well straight away we've hit what scientists would call 'A complication'. The first two items on the shelf are not films but, rather, collections of films.
The films in question are all ones that were banned in the 1980s. Apparently they were too horrible to watch and if we saw them we'd all go mad and eat each other or something, so they were hidden away where no-one could see them. A few years later, in the mid 00s, everyone calmed down and went, "Alright, you can watch them - just promise not to go mad and eat each other or something." And we all said, "We promise," and so here we are, with these lovely collections in our houses, and almost no-one got eaten.
A lot of these films had been mysterious, forbidden titles since I was a child, so I was most excited to get my hands on them. They came from a fascinating time - a time when film makers went, "Hey, no-one is regulating this - we can do whatever we want!" It turned out that what they mostly wanted to do was to show people's faces coming off.
I don't propose to go into them all in detail. The quality is variable, with the only real constant being, "Don't put this on unless you want everyone else to start crying and being sick". There are some real highlights, like the original Evil Dead (which I'll be talking about if we ever get to 'E') and Zombie Flesh Eaters - a mad Italian zombie film where a zombie fights a shark underwater. I know, amazing, right?
But there's also stuff that's quite dull, having gained notoriety simply through the act of being banned in the first place, like Driller Killer, which peaks once you're done reading the title. And some stuff that's genuinely quite horrible, and after you've watched it your DVD player seems to glare at you for making it touch the thing. Yes, I Spit On Your Grave, that would be you. Go away and think about what you've done.
Boys Don't Cry
Alright, this is going terribly. I've owned this film for years but never seen it. I know, I know - it's meant to be amazing. There's no excuse. I'm just a very lazy boy.
I bought this when I was teaching a module on the new wave of independent cinema. One of the great things about cinema is that it's easy to become an expert - much easier than literature with all those stupid long books. So I quickly bought and watched all of the films in this 'new wave' and declared myself the king of being hip and cineliterate.
Well, I watched all of them except one. Kimberley Pierce's Boys Don't Cry has sat on my shelf for over ten years, silently judging me. Why have I watched everything else but not this? I even watched Aronofsky's Pi for God's sake, and that's about ants and drills and in black and white.
I'm sorry, Boys Don't Cry. I did watch Pierce's remake of Carrie, so it kind of feels like this is on you. Did you have a telekinetic fight scene? No, you did not.
Boys N the Hood
You'll be delighted to know I've actually seen this film, though only quite recently. It was another film, like Boys Don't Cry, that seemed to hover about forever saying, "You should have watched me, you know." And because I'm a contrary beast, I'd put it off as long as possible. You can't tell me what to do, films with 'Boys' in the title.
I'd always kind of thought, "Well, this isn't really made for me." I'm as white as it's possible to be, and I felt like watching it might be the equivalent of suddenly trying to do complicated handshakes with everyone and calling them 'Bro'.
Which is, of course, idiotic. One of the great strengths of film is that it helps us to step into the shoes of others. As Roger Ebert said, it's a machine for generating empathy. Also, I bet I'd be ace at doing a complicated handshake, and there's no way anyone would call it cultural appropriation.
Braindead
Back before he became obsessed with Hobbits and Beatles, Peter Jackson was into blood and zombies and making you feel sick. Braindead is one of his earlier, funnier works. In terms of content it's a horror movie, with people becoming violent zombies and rampaging through a quiet town. But in tone, it's played as broad farce - a comedy of manners where disguising the effects of the zombie outbreak is as important as surviving them.
I was a university student when this came out. I already loved Bad Taste - Jackson's first horrifically violent monster comedy - and was well up for more. This ticked all the right boxes. Visceral cartoon violence (slicing through an army of the undead with a lawnmower). Implausible, outlandish set pieces (hosting a dinner party while trying to conceal that some guests have body parts falling into the soup). And brilliantly silly dialogue ("Your mother ate my dog!" "Not all of it.")
This is one of those films I used to show to everyone, fondly believing it to be a universally hilarious piece of work which everyone would enjoy. I've since been informed, by the friends that are still around, that this is not really the case, and had I considered taking some kind of personality test?
Brassed Off
This is lovely, isn't it? I think it suffered a little at the time for being 'Not Trainspotting'. It came out around the same time as Danny Boyle's tale of Scottish drug shenanigans, and the marketing - sensibly - leaned into some surface level similarities. "Did you enjoy Ewan McGregor shooting heroin into his veins and experiencing the bleakest, most desolate levels of human misery? Then maybe you'd also like to see him play the tenor horn with some old men!"
When I first saw this, I assumed it was going to be part of that same "New British Film" thing, shaking off the stuffiness of the Merchant Ivory stuff and doing young, fresh, anarchic things with style and content. But that's not Brassed Off's gig, really. It's a precursor to more down to earth films - a kind of John The Baptist to the politically inclined regional Jesuses of The Full Monty and Billy Elliot.
It's funny and good hearted, but shot through with a kind of melancholy love for the struggle of the working class. And at no point does a dead baby crawl across a ceiling.
Braveheart
I've not watched this in years. Not since Mel 'Racism' Gibson went awful in public and made it hard to watch him in anything without thinking, "You bad racist! I hope you lose."
That's not the reason I've not seen it for so long, though. I'm generally fine with distancing an artist from their work, and a film in particular is the work of so many people that it seems mad to associate it with just one villainous contributor.
No, it's not that. It's just... it's so very long, isn't it? Three hours or thereabouts. Who's got that kind of time? Maybe if it had robots. I'll happily sit through Blade Runner 2049. But if memory serves, Braveheart is mostly a load of kilted non-robots, being sad in the mud.
I probably will get around to watching it again before too long. It's very enjoyable, as I recall. If it's ever on when I'm flicking through the channels, it's one of those films where you think, "Well, I'll just watch ten minutes of this and then go to bed," and then suddenly it's midnight and you're jumping up and down on the sofa demanding reparations from the English.
Brawl in Cell Block 99
My friend Andy used to buy me a serious, quality film every Christmas. Eventually I had to confess to him that, though I appreciated his contribution to my cultural life and the thought he had put into his selections... if I was honest I'd rather watch people getting shot and/or punched in the face.
His look of disappointment was legendary, but he is nothing if not a listener. From then on, he swung right to the other end of the dial and started to gift me the most depraved, horrific and downright dumb films he could think of.
This is such an example. I can't remember much about the plot, but I don't need to because there's the title, summing it all up. Some men have a very violent series of fights. Various film making techniques conspire to make you forget that you are an educated human being who opposes violence in all its forms, and you cheer on the frankly horrible punishments as they happen. At one point something happens that is so unspeakably gross that you find yourself making a noise that is at once an astonished laugh, a cry of horror and a whimper of relief that no-one else is witness to how excited you are.
Breakfast at Tiffany's
This is a weird film. It's a bit like Alfie, in that loads of people seem to love it and associate it with a kind of sexy, cool super fun lifestyle. And then you watch it and everyone is having a terrible time and their personalities are made of dust and there's a deep, dark ennui running through the veins of the narrative and oh my God why is life so bleak?
There is, however, a super nice song and Audrey Hepburn has a tremendous face. So I guess we'll file it under 'feel good hit of the Summer' and move on.
The Breakfast Club
Haven't seen this in years, and have no strong desire to revisit it. I can't remember when I first saw it, but it was already too late to be caught up in whatever mad swell of zeitgeisty joy made everyone love it to pieces. I knew there was a great song in the soundtrack - the sublime Don't You Forget About Me, of course - and that it was meant to make you pulse with the endless Summers of youth. But I was in my 20s by then and already hated teenagers with a huge, uncontrollable passion. Bunch of whiny pricks.
These days the opinion seems to be very much that The Breakfast Club is fairly problematic and that it hasn't really aged well. So why don't I throw it out? Well, it's a kind of document of time I suppose, worthy of study as a kind of bellwether of late 20th Century attitudes to sexual identity. And, also, when I'm really old, I'll probably watch any old nonsense if it makes me feel briefly, gloriously young again. Hey hey hey hey.
Bride of Frankenstein
I'm not a huge fan of classic horror. For me, everything pretty much starts with Night of the Living Dead and properly kicks into gear with Halloween. But this, if I remember it correctly, is a sparkly, sprightly joy. There's a knowing sense of playful experimentation to the whole thing that seems way ahead of its time - throwing up striking, iconic images and deftly playing with the form of the genre.
It's almost as if they knew they were making something that would shape popular culture for decades to come and went, "OK, we're going to make a film, and the answer to every question we might have is 'Yes, let's'".
Bridesmaids
This could easily have been one of those films that became big just because it was important, what with its large female cast and proper attempt to redress the massive imbalance in who women were allowed to be in comedies.
It is, however, great in its own right. There are massive swings at big, silly ideas and set pieces that lean heavily into the opportunities afforded by cinematic spectacle. But there's also proper solid character stuff in there and a love for the characters that makes this work beyond it's slapstick premise.
The Bridge on the River Kwai
I have a lot of gaps in my 'proper old school film' knowledge. I watched this again recently, having first watched it over 20 years ago while recovering from a broken arm. I couldn't remember anything about it, possibly because I'd been on loads of painkillers last time and kept laughing at everything. My verdict on this watch is that it's quite good, if a bit long, and maybe it would be funnier if I was on painkillers.
Bridget Jones's Diary / The Edge of Reason / Baby
These are good, aren't they? I avoided them for ages, because I'm a bloke and page one of our manual makes it quite clear that time watching Bridget Jones is a waste of time that could be spent watching Pulp Fiction again.
And from the bits I saw when it was on TV - usually Hugh Grant and Colin Firth slapping each other, or Renee Zellweger trying on some pants or something - it all looked a bit twee and broad and, frankly, for girls. The sort of cinematic equiivalent of a hen party. I know, and after all the nice things I said about Bridesmaids. I can hear you crossly scribbling out the bit of your notes that says "What an amazing feminist this man is."
Well, I don't think I was particularly wrong about the overall tone of these movies, but they're fun and well written and everyone in them is being generally delightful. And there's Sally Phillips in there too, and she's just lovely. Why isn't she in everything?
A Bridge Too Far
Another 'classic' that I'd not seen until a few years ago. Before that, my primary association with the events depicted in the film was the computer game Arnhem, for the ZX Spectrum. If you're very young and don't know what a ZX Spectrum was, try to imagine what your phone would be like if you smashed out most of its brain and replaced its screen with horrid, fleshy rubber keys. Yes, that's right - loads worse.
Nevertheless, my teenage self spent hours re-enacting the battle of Arnhem in a game with blocky, dayglo graphics, and considered himself fully up to date on the events of the Second World War. This turned out to be somewhat disastrous for my History O Levels and I do not recommend computer games as a 'primary source'.
Anyway, this film is great. Now, this is another long film but in this case the scale of the storytelling seems to justify the running time. We follow a massive cast, across a wide narrative field, and at no point was I looking at the time and shouting, for example, "Could you please just get on with blowing up the Bridge On the River Kwai please?"
I was very excited when I recently watched this film and, the very next day, found an emulator for my PC which allowed me to play Arnhem as if I still had my old ZX Spectrum. I'm pleased to report that I'm much better at it now, though I bet I'd still fail my History O-Level.
That's all for now. Hope you've enjoyed nosing around in my film collection, and hearing me desperately try to remember what happens in the very same films that I once spent money on. See you next time, for the last few films under 'B'.
If you've enjoyed this, and we have to at least pretend that it's a possibility, then why not check out the last instalment, where I looked at Blue Velvet to Bowling For Columbine.
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