Well hello. Like most of you, I like to spend sunny afternoons browsing through my extensive DVD and BluRay library, thinking things like, "Ooh, I haven't seen that in a while," and "Why do I even own that? What was I thinking?"
For your pleasure, here are my thoughts on some of the films I own. Why would you care? Why indeed. Maybe I've become famous in the future, and you are writing a biography. Yes. That's probably it.
Here's the section we're looking at today. We did Argo last time, so we'll be starting with Armageddon. And let's end with Awakenings, so that we can start a whole new letter of the alphabet next time. See how much fun this is?
Armageddon
I haven't seen this since the late 90s, I don't think, and I'm not sure why I own it. I seem to remember it being quite enjoyable, but also very preposterous.
Are there a lot of power ballads in it or something? That's what flashes up in my mind when I think of this. Slow motion, and soft rock. And lots of people who were big box office in the 90s, being heroic and not really acting, in any meaningful sense. Is it quite bland? I bet it is.
The 90s had some great films, but its blockbuster game was way off. Things are better now.
The Artist
Who remembers when this was a massive hit, and won loads of awards, and ushered in a new wave of silent cinema?
OK, maybe not that last one. But I do remember everyone making a big fuss. It felt like one of those films you 'should have' seen. You'd say things like, "I haven't seen The Artist yet," in the same way that you'd talk about doing the weekly shop. It was kind of inevitable that you would, eventually.
How delightful, then, to find that it was really good. Clever and funny, making great use of its central conceit. Very modern storytelling, drawing on an era that was more sophisticated than is generally acknowledged.
I've not watched it since. It feels like a 'good to have seen' film, rather than one to revisit. I bought it because HMV were selling the BluRay for £2, as part of their desperate, "Please god buy things or we'll all starve" sales.
I should give it another go.
Art School Confidential
I can't remember anything at all about this movie. Apart from the one thing that I knew going in, which was that Sophia Myles is in it, and she gets her kit off.
I'm slightly ashamed to say that this was probably a large factor in me deciding I wanted to see the film in the first place. Not the only reason. The title is interesting, and I was watching a lot of 'clever arty sensitive' stuff at the time. But I'd be lying if I said that the promise of nudity wasn't a factor.
I'd like to say that I'm a better person now. But the fact that I can't remember literally anything else about the film, and haven't watched it since (she's not naked for very long), suggests otherwise.
I'm sorry.
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Another film I can't remember anything at all about. I'm beginning to wonder if I should be sharing this information with the wider world.
In my defence, this film is quite long and I remember it being very thoughtful. And meditative. And slow. And sometimes I'm in the mood for that, and sometimes I'm not.
You never hear this film being talked about, do you? Which kind of suggests that no-one else thought it was worthy of discussion. So let's just say that I'm right, and the film is boring, and that my lack of recollection is nothing to do with the film not being set in space, or in dinosaur times.
Assault on Precinct 13
Now this film I do like. A cool, engaging thriller with a strong central premise and some excellent moments.
I got into John Carpenter in the late 80s, mainly due to my obsession with Halloween. I watched all his other stuff, and - for the most part - liked it. He has a singular, focused style which lends a certain unity to his body of work. Slowly creeping camera work. Shots carefully composed to direct - and misdirect - the eye of the spectator. Minimalist, atmospheric scores.
Assault on Precinct 13 particularly impressed me with the scene I've pictured. A little girl goes to get an ice cream from a van. The guy in the van, however, is a villain, just pretending to be an ice cream guy. He gives her an ice cream anyway, so that she'll go away and he can get back to his villainy.
But - oh no! - he forgot to give her sprinkles. So back she goes...
It does not end well. I like a film that's prepared to go to these dark places.
Atomic Blonde
This film was very much sold as "John Wick - but a lady!" The trailer was unbelievably exciting and I was very eager to give these people my money.
It turns out that the film is not quite the no-hold-barred oestrogen smackdown that the advertising suggested. There certainly are some great combat sequences, and there's a pleasing amount of incredible violence. But this has more the flavour of a European spy thriller. And it is very great.
I can see why they went for the John Wick angle. The film has an unusual, distinctive flavour which is hard to sum up, and would have been tricky to promote. It's quite bleak, but a bit funny, and gives the strong impression that it doesn't give a fuck what you think about it. The soundtrack is among the best I've heard, leaning strongly on pounding electronica and late 70s/early 80s pop.
In short, I liked it. But I can see why people might not.
Atonement
Everyone loved this when it came out, didn't they? They were all, "Ooh, the long tracking shots," and, "Ah, the complex emotional pull of its sensibilities."
Or something. I wasn't really listening. I'm not one for period films, even ones where there's some exciting swearing and people shooting at horses. I can't really remember anything about it. I think there's a letter... which someone reads, except they shouldn't have?
I don't know. Perhaps I'm being deliberately contrary. It's probably very good. I just have a bit of a knee jerk reaction against these kinds of 'quality' films, as they seem to be part of a notion that some films are more worthy than others. That said, I have a feeling that if I watched it properly, I'd find that the film is deliberately trying to subvert that very notion.
But who has the time? I have to watch Dead Man's Shoes again before I get round to this.
Attack the Block
This is quite a fun, smart sci-fi/comedy/action thriller hybrid that benefited from being released in the wake of the Pegg/Frost/Wright films. It is very much its own thing, though, and is a lot better than many of the British comedy horrors that lumbered after Shaun of the Dead's zombies.
In hindsight it also benefits from some lucky casting, with Finn From Star Wars and Doctor Who teaming up against the brilliantly realised alien things.
Nothing exceptional here, but it tries to do some fun new things and it passes the time agreeably.
Austin Powers
For some reason, I only own Austin Powers 1 and 3. What's that about? I like The Spy Who Shagged Me best. So why don't I own it? What's wrong with me? Will I ever be happy?
The first Austin Powers was a burst of joy and colour, back when it came out. I remember watching in the cinema, surprised and delighted at the constant invention that burst joyfully from the screen. The music was exciting, and captured the 60s retro feel of the time far better than the stodgy meanderings of Oasis and the like.
I can imagine people tiring of the knowing comedy of these films, and I think it was pretty much played out by the time Goldmember came along. It's all very quotable and imitable, and sort of tiresome in that respect. But the silly, free spirited nonsense of those first two films makes me very happy.
Due for a rewatch, I think.
The Avengers (and Age of Ultron, and Infinity War, and Endgame)
It seems a bit redundant to say "I like these films," doesn't it? Everyone likes them, apart from professional contrarians who have to dislike fun things to retain their edge of "cool". So no, I'm not clever or unusual for enjoying them. But good grief, they're good.
It's easy to look at "Avengers Assemble" now and go, "Yes, that's very good." But it could very easily have been a massive, embarrassing failure. Look at DC's clumsy, ham fisted attempts to do the same, to see how easy this would be to get wrong. And even Marvel hadn't been knocking it out of the park at this stage. Incredible Hulk is badly structured. The first Thor is quite a mess. Only Iron Man and Captain America had really made it work, at this stage.
Watching Assemble at the cinema is one of my happiest cinema experiences. I laughed so much that friends sitting at the back of the same showing came to find me afterwards, having realised I was there from the volume of my joy.
It's a fantastic piece of work, and the standard has been pretty high since. Yes, Ultron is quite flawed and tries to serve too many masters. But Infinity War is quite the ride, and Endgame pulls off the should-be-impossible job of providing a satisfying climax, while remaining surprising, nimble, smart and creative.
A fantastic series of films.
Awakenings
Great work, also, from two actors who were starting to prove variable in the quality of their performances. Williams is in "Beard = Good Performance" mode and DeNiro is proving, again, that he is at his best when he's doing 'understated'.
That's it for now. That's the end of "A". Hope you enjoyed my inability to remember most of the films I own. See you next time, for "B".
If you want to explore my thoughts on films that had the temerity to exist earlier in the alphabet, you can look here:
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