Star Wars Trivia

Every now and then I have one of those glorious days where I don't have to speak to anyone at all. This is ace, because most of what people have to see is a huge waste of my time, but it does have a drawback. When I finally do see someone, and try to speak to them, I find myself utterly unable to remember how people are meant to communicate.

One of two things then happens. Either I mutter staccato, incomprehensible sounds, blinking at them like a fish transformed unexpectedly into a human, having completely forgotten how to talk. Or, worse, I babble like a madman, wittering at high speed about everything that has ever happened to me and what it might mean. Neither of these makes for a delightful spectacle, unless you hate me and want to see me look like a fool.

I mention this 'not speaking' thing because I've not blogged for a while and may well have forgotten how to speak to you, the beloved denizens of internetworld. Please don't be put off if I bark and howl, or make a noise like a spanner banging about in a washing machine. I'm sure I'll be back to normal before long. In the meantime... have this:

Klaatu Barada Nikto

Some time ago I embarked upon a dictionary of what I considered to be the most important things about Star Wars. I got as far as 'O' and then kind of drifted off topic and started bitching about the BBC. Well, I thought I'd do some more. Should you wish to remind yourself of the previous entries, I believe you can access them by clicking on 'Klaatu Barada Nikto' somewhere towards the end of this blog. Or I suppose you could trawl through the entire backlog of my written nonsense, and forget about whatever it was you were doing before you came wandering into this dark corridor or my mind.

So, then...

P is for Padme


Unused screenplay extract from ATTACK OF THE CLONES. PADME, who is also called AMIDALA for reasons that are never entirely clear, is talking to a PRETTY LOOKALIKE.


AMIDALA

Hello, would you like a job with the ruling elite of Naboo?



PRETTY LOOKALIKE

Yes please!



AMIDALA

Well, how would you feel about wearing this big special hat?



PRETTY LOOKALIKE

But that’s your special hat, your royal prettiness.



AMIDALA

 Yes, well, never mind that. Just put it on. That’s right. And now paint your face

white.



PRETTY LOOKALIKE

But maam , now I look just like you…



AMIDALA

Yes, that’s right. Now. I’m going to stand over here, looking normal, and I’d like

you to wander over there, towards that bomb.



PRETTY LOOKALIKE

Bomb?



AMIDALA

Did I say bomb? I meant spaceship.



PRETTY LOOKALIKE

You said bomb.



AMIDALA

No I didn’t.



PRETTY LOOKALIKE

You did, you said bomb.



AMIDALA

Do you want this job or not?



PRETTY LOOKALIKE

I’m not sure…



AMIDALA

Look, just walk towards the shiny, lovely, very safe spaceship.



PRETTY LOOKALIKE

Well, alright. Why are you running away, your highness?



Spaceship explodes. Good triumphs over evil. Padme/Amidala runs away and becomes a famous ballerina. Possibly.


Coming soon - Q is for Qui-Gon Jinn.