Have patience. Now!

Dear The BBC

Re: Him and Her - your recent sort-of sit-com about a young couple sharing a flat, and never leaving it, and occasionally having some weird friends come over and eat their biscuits.

I really liked it. Thank you for making it.

I wasn't sure about it at first - it's strange and sort of uncomfortable in its depiction of some quite spiky people and situations. It takes time to get into the rhythm of the show and appreciate the characters. But as I have warmed to Him and Her, it has sort of unfurled beautifully before my eyes - a peculiar and unique little creation, full of new, subtle flavours. And really, really funny.

So thank you.

But. Here's a thing I didn't like about it.

No, not Becky's semi-fascist, idiot sister Laura. She is annoying - with her tendency to put others down to make herself seem better, and her inability to see importance in any conversation not centred on her upcoming wedding, and her stupid hair. She's not the thing I didn't like. I wouldn't want to know her, but she's a great comedy character.

And it's not the fact that every episode takes place entirely within the flat. I think that's kind of smart, and well used as a premise. Plus, it's thrifty use of the license fee, so well done there.

And I don't have a problem with the fact that Him and Her is hard to warm to. One of the best things about you, The BBC, is that you give programmes time and space to find an audience, and develop slowly and naturally. Many wonderful television programmes, films and albums have failed to grab audiences straight away, only to flourish as time has allowed them to mature, and allowed people to recognise their strange new beauty. Your faith in the creative process is one of your great strengths, and what keeps you consistently producing some of the best television ever seen.

No, all of these things are fine, and in fact brilliant.

My problem is this:

"Coming Next: Family Guy."

Right at the climax of the episode, where we have been heading all this time, right at the point where things come to a head, when themes characters and plot lines converge - when I am as involved in the story of these people as I am ever going to be. A huge computer generated graphic splats itself across the bottom of the screen, while the programme I'm trying to watch is still bloody happening.

"Coming Next: Family Guy."

What. In the name. Of fuck. Is this? This massive green slab of intrusive advertising, scrolling across my screen, rolling over the work of the writer, production crew and actors just as they are delivering their finest moments? This enemy of art and beauty, smashing into a shared moment, desperate for attention no matter how inappropriate, how stupid. Like a dickhead in the audience for Hamlet, loudly phoning for a taxi during the death scene. Yeah, we're nearly done now. More or less over. May as well move on to the next thing.

What, The BBC, are you thinking?

What were you thinking?

I know what you were thinking.

You were thinking "In this multi-channel age, where viewers have a multiplicity of other options which might distract them from continuing to watch BBC3, we need to make sure they stick with us, all night, and indeed forever, until they die."

Or, as you will put it to people who complain:

"Many viewers appreciate knowing what is coming up next, as it helps them plan their viewing for the coming evening..."

To which I can only say, no they bloody don't. Everyone in the known universe now gets their television through some kind of digital box. And all they have to do is press a button, and up pops a list of what's on next, on whatever channel they want. Did you know about this, The BBC? It's called an EPG - electronic programme guide. The answer is, yes, you did know about it - you often retitle programmes so they work better when put onto the EPG. Nobody needs a slogan to come up at the end of their favourite programme, ruining it by telling them what is on next. And you know that.

But let us, for a moment, assume that I do not know how to use my on screen guide to find out what's on next. Maybe I'm a piece of toast, or an albatross or some kind of neanderthal, and I don't understand how to work the magic box in front of me. I've stared in black incomprehension at the moving colours and shapes, and I'm just about on the verge of turning it off. Which would be a tragedy, of course, because then I'd miss Family Guy.

Then, to my delight, a little splodge of green vomit unrolls across the screen and shouts "Hey, you! You piece of toast, or albatross maybe! Don't turn off - there's a show on next that's perfect for you!" Phew! Nearly missed out there! Thanks, The BBC!

Except, of course, just as Family Guy is finishing, and I'm chuckling happily to myself at the surreal world I've been allowed into, what happens? That's right. Another bastard banner rolls over the screen to let me know that "Coming up: More Family Guy!" And now, even though I've enjoyed watching this, I'm not looking forward to the next one. Because I know that however funny the next episode is, however cleverly crafted the script and inventive the visuals, I will never be quite immersed in it because I will be constantly, subconsciously waiting for the moment that the illusion is ruined by your next banner. And the next one. A never ending stream of panicky self promotion that cannot be happy in the present, but has to run headlong into the future like a hyperactive toddler.

As Yoda once said, before he sold out and started advertising phone companies, "Always looking to the future. Never his mind on where he is."

So, basically, stop doing it. It serves no function, no-one wants it and it is a fundamental cheapening of the very art form you exist to distribute. You're better than this, The BBC.

(And while we're here, get rid of the 'BBC HD' logo on the HD channel. The entire point of watching HD is that is looks better. Sticking a label in the corner makes it look worse. Also, what's with credit squeezing? Have you no standards? Good grief. And make another series of The Fades. And get me some biscuits!)