N
Naboo.
Having done sand (Tatooine), snow (Hoth), the sky (Bespin) and forests (Endor), Lucas hit upon a great theme for his new planet… pointlessness. A bunch of idiots in silly clothes, some fountains, a lot of grass and somewhere a bunch of underwater wankers. The Trade Federation sensibly decided to destroy it, but were unfortunately thwarted by… er… you know, I cannot for the life of me remember. Oh, was it that Anakin… pressed a button… or something...? And there was… a big blue thing that fizzed.
Sorry, I’ve lost the will to live.
O
Ozzel, Admiral.
Ozzel is brilliant for a number of reasons. Number one is that he’s played by Michael Sheard, now sadly deceased, who also played not only Hitler (in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade) but also Mr. Bronson, in TV’s Grange Hill. He’s also brilliant because he chokes extravagantly to death behind Piett, recipient of Vader’s irritable mood swings.
Vader was cross because Ozzel brought the Imperial fleet out of hyperspace early, thus making the rebels on Hoth realise that millions of Imperial Star Destroyers were about to blow them to pieces. Ozzel thought surprise was wisest, apparently. But what does that mean? Surely bringing the fleet out of hyper-space is precisely what alerts the rebels to the Imperial presence. So how does that constitute ‘surprise’? Answer: it doesn’t. He deserved to die.
Old Ben Kenobi
(an acrostic)
Oh, since before you were born, I’ve been
Living here, in this little flat, in
Denial of the terrible things I have done
Better not tell you
Exactly how your father met his end
Nor anything about Yoda, midichlorians, Leia or
the fact that I used to hang out with these two
droids right next to me
Knight of the Old republic I may be
Even the last of their kind
Not going to let that stop me lying about absolutely everything
Or hiding the fact that this here
Bird in the hologram, who you clearly want to have sex with
Is your sister
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