Lies, damned lies and Obi Wan Kenobi

It is pleasant, is it not, to live in a world where no-one is to blame for anything? No? You don't think so? Liar. It's brilliant. Literally nothing is anyone's fault. I can go outside, now, waving knives in the faces of children and spaniels while shouting 'Die, children and spaniels, die!' and be confident in the total lack of consequences.

I can see you have that suspicious look that you sometimes get when I say very wise things. Well, I'm definitely right, and if you want proof, look at the years gone by and see the constantly shifting fog of evasions and half-truths that have taken the place of accountability in the 21st Century.

It seems that now it's quite possible for a man to get shot several times in the head, by the police, for no reason - and for nobody to be really responsible. Or for the police - different police I assume, unless there's something seriously weird going on - to cause the death of a man innocently passing a protest march, and for the general consensus to be that it was just, you know, unfortunate.

Higher up the ladder (or lower, depending on your point of view), we have a government who seem to have learned all their debating tactics from Jamie Smith, my friend from school when we were eleven. When blamed of anything, Jamie would instinctively point at someone else and say "Look what he's doing!", as if my scratching a picture of a penis into the desk excused his experiments with fire and exercise books. Whenever our glorious leaders are taken to task on any of the myriad horrors they are inflicting upon society, they seem overcome by a kind of blame-shifting tourettes. "Look what Labour did! They spent all our money! They stole it! And when we're cutting council's budgets, it's not us - it's voodoo witch doctors in Brussells, making us do it with magic dolls!"

It's a rather pathetic line of defence, but the good news is, I've worked out what is responsible. The leaders of our society all came of age in the 1970s, and I think their minds have surely been corrupted by the most influential film of the time. It all started a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. That's right - I'm blaming bearded Star Wars Jedi, Ben "Obi-Wan" Kenobi.

Watching through the Star Wars films in story order - that is, starting with The Phantom Bloody Menace and going through to Return of the Jedi - a very strong sense of doubt settles in over the reliability of Luke's wise and revered mentor. This guy -  who is supposed to stand for good, morality, truth and righteousness  - is not, in fact, a very good role model. Why, for example, when Luke asks about the death of his father, does Obi Wan say "A young Jedi by the name of Darth Vader murdered him"? And not "Anakin? Oh yes, I knew him. Whiny little tosser. I had to chop his legs off and throw him in a lake of fire. Couldn't stop laughing for weeks!"

Such is Ben's level of denial that later, when Luke quite rightly takes him up on this barefaced lie, Ben gets all "Er..." about it. Apparently what he said was true 'from a certain point of view.' Well, that's great. And so a generation learns to avoid the blame for anything they ever do, ever. "Hey guys, whatever crimes we commit, I suggest we blame them on Darth Vader and, if pressed, say we were just being metaphorical!"

Q:   "Who drank all my beer?"

A:  "A young Jedi called Darth Vader did."



Q:  "Whose pornography is this?"

A:  "I think you'll find that belongs to a young Jedi called Darth Vader."



Q:  "Who pulled this disabled protester out of his wheelchair and dragged him across the street?"

A:  "Ah, that would have been a young Jedi called Darth Vader. I saw him do it."


And so on. We're screwed. At least until a generation come along who were raised on films where the heroes take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. Such as...   hmm. Can't think of any. But there must be some. We must find them, and show them to Cameron's kids. Not only will this definitely heal society, but it will also prove that media theory is a valid and world changing subject, and all teachers of it should be venerated and given a special hat.

Did I mention that I started drinking the Bailey's?