Klaatu Barada Nikto - B, C

Why won't you let me post pictures, Mr. Blog? Why? I pressed the right button and did a link and everything,  and it put a big splurge of HTML in with my text. And that, I am led to believe, makes complete sense to your computerised brain (despite, to my eyes, looking like what would happen if a calculator vomited). But then I publish my post and... no pictures. Just a little square. Now, if I click on the square, then you give me pictures. Oh yes. But that's not what I want. Why do you hate me, Mr Blog?

/ sobs /

Anyway. Hello, humans. Last week I posted the first in a series of dictionary entries about Star Wars. It met with rave reviews from everyone and I was made the King of Being Ace. I also had a dream in which a man had flippers for feet. But that's not important right now. What is important is this, the second amazing instalment. Possibly with pictures. Possibly not. But there is an acrostic in there this time. Yay for acrostics.

B

Bothans.

Apparently these guys, referenced in Return of the Jedi, were spies, and lots of them died to get the, frankly incorrect, information that the second death star was not ‘fully armed and operational’. Liars. I suspect they didn’t do any research, simply looked it up on Wikipedia, copied and pasted it to Mon Mothma, and then pretended some of them had died, thinking it ‘wouldn’t really matter’.


C

Cloud City

Calrissian is something of a
Ladies man, he lives in
Opulent surroundings while the
Ugnaughts do the
Dirty work

Crimson and gold clouds
Iridescent, glowing in the sunset
Towers and spires dream into the sky
Yavin is rubbish by comparison


Chasms

Lucas clearly has some Freudian fear of women, given the huge emphasis he puts on cavernous, devouring holes in his universe. Luke and Leia are confronted with one as they engage in their first act of incestuous snogging on the Death Star. Clearly symbolic of the sexual threat the couple must avoid given their future relationship. Luke is, however, later claimed by the giant vagina of Bespin, shortly after learning of his true parentage – a symbolic return to the womb as he is forced to confront the circumstances of his own birth. Vader later reclaims his fatherhood by tossing the emperor – a potential substitute father for Luke – down yet another pit. Which does lead one to wonder why, exactly, Palpatine felt the need to install, in his throne room, a giant dangerous chasm the led to the nuclear reactor at the heart of the entire space station. Maybe it’s because Lucas is trying to defeat his insecurities by hurling a selection of villains down shafts in the hope that the scary monster of feminine sexuality will be subdued.



Boba Fett, of course, is claimed by the hairy hole of karkoom on Tatooine. Maul tumbles down a great big chasm in Menace. Even the first Death Star has an incredibly dangerous shaft in the floor of the hangar bay, down which a number of stormtroopers must have fallen over the years. What is up with the people who design these places?



Oh, and Han and Leia find their true love developing after he pilots his spaceship into a giant, moist cavern. Truly, it’s amazing these films aren’t 18 certificate.

 
 
That's all for now folks. Send fruit!