40 Days of... what?

This weekend is probably your last chance to decide if you're giving anything up for Lent. The 40 days of abstinence started a few days ago, but the chances are there's still some options open to you - things you didn't do on Wednesday and Thursday that you could conceivably continue to 'not do' until Easter. Maybe you haven't punched an evangelist since Tuesday, and that could be your Lent thing, for instance.

Whatever it is, you'd better get a move on. Before too long you'll find that you've left no vice unindulged, and you'll have to give up something stupid, like eating blue M&Ms or wearing a hat at a rakish angle.

Of course, you're under no obligation to give anything up at all. Lent is a bit of a religious thing, Jesus in the desert and all that, and maybe that seems irrelevant to you, with your Ouija board, your rock and roll music and your fast cars. But I think Lent is worth your consideration regardless of whether you follow the Bible, love the Earth Goddess or - as in my case - worship a giant picture of Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

"But Rob, she's too young, and she was

a witch and she was a lesbian and

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH"

I'm not clear on all the theological implications of Jesus' decision to spend 40 days in a desert, focusing less on sandwiches and more on sandcastles. There's clearly some self discipline in there, and an ability to identify with those in society who have the least (take note, big rich churches of the West - you have missed the point). But one of the things I do like about it is towards the end where Jesus gets into a bitch fight with Lucifer himself and proves that no matter what the devil offers him, he don't want none of that.

For the uninitiated, what happens is that the devil suggests Jesus do a bunch of cool Messiah-stuff: turning stones into tasty snacks, showing off by jumping off big buildings and landing in the middle of everyone like Iron Man, and finally being King of the entire Universe (or something). Sadly for the devil, Jesus has just spent weeks resisting the temptation to stuff his face with Hobnobs and bananas, so these new temptations are frankly pathetic by comparison. Jesus gives the devil a bunch of cool-ass, Old Testament backchat, that basically translates as 'Are you still talking? Cause I'm not listening, bitch.'





I like this, because it suggests that an unwillingness to give in to temptation is a decent way of fighting some of the evils the world throws up. Certainly in the West, a lot of what causes us pain is stuff we voluntarily agreed to in the first place. We are seduced into lifestyles that destroy our souls and leave us insensible to the suffering of others, unable to protest because we are complicit in the very systems that bind us. Maintaining the ability to say 'No' may be one of the best weapons we have.

With that in mind, C and I are once again going to spend Lent abstaining from supermarkets. No Asda, no Sainbury's, no Morrisons (like I'd go there anyway). When we did this last year it led to a whole buch of benefits - tastier meat, cheaper fruit and veg, fewer shopping trips where we popped in to get some milk and came out laden with DVDs, chocolate, kitchen utensils and toys. Although we've drifted back into the habit, the first attempt has made some small lasting difference to the way we shop, and I'm hoping that doing it again will make that better.

Ethically, of course, this can only be a good thing. Quite apart from the economic policies of the bigger stores, there's something very sad about the erosion of 'locality' that comes about as a result of our migration to the bigger stores. Once community goes, everything goes. And I don't want everything to go. I need it.

So, believers and heathens alike, have a go at Lent. Resist something - show your independence from all the tossers who want you to shut up and go with the flow. Maybe we could make a big banner and go stand outside Asda: "Happy to shop... somewhere else."




(That image of Allison Hanigan isn't mine, obviously. I should be so lucky. Can't find who took it. If it was you, get in touch. No infringement intended. )

Sports shop of Terror

I had to buy a cricket top yesterday, so I could go to a party and pretend to be from the 1920s. My first, foolish, thought was to scour charity shops around Wakefield for some discarded sportswear, perhaps donated by a cricketer who had got fed up of the whole pointless exercise.




Charity shops are peculiar beasts. They excite me a little, as they are like little museums of the modern age. Here are the stripey shirts and oversized hats of a  generation that realised they looked like dicks; the unloved books and outgrown toys that chronicle the end of childhood and the beginning of cold, cynical adult life.

I note that the shops cater predominantly for women. The colourful wonders that await female shoppers create a bewildering labyrinth of potential outfits - extraordinary hats, blouses, skirts, dresses and shoes, in infinite variety. Men get a couple of racks of shirts and the occasional suit that probably came off a dead man. Not for the first time in my life, I wished I might be a girl, if only for a while.

Whatever cricketers do with their cast offs, it doesn't appear to be 'donate them to charity'. Maybe they hand them down to their offspring, sealing the sport into a sort of self-perpetuating dynasty. Maybe that's why the rules are so incomprehensible - to keep out the 'not we'.

So I found no cricket top, thoguh I did get a rather nice stripey shirt and a spiffing hat. The only option was to go to an actual sports shop.

It would be something of an understatement to say that the sports shop is not my natural habitat. In fact, even finding one was quite a trick. I have trained my brain to edit from the universe all phenomena assocated with the concept of 'sport'. I hate sport in all its manifestations, and try to ignore it as hard as I can. So I had no idea where any sports shops might be found, or what they might look like, or indeed whether the notion of 'a sports shop' was even something that existed. What if everyone got their equipment from their dads?

Luckily, Caroline is much more open minded and is able to conceive of ideas beyond the acquisition of DVDs and Doctor Who toys. She knew that yes, sports shops did exist, and even better knew where to find one. She wouldn't come in with me, though. I had to do this next bit alone.

Reader, words cannot describe how out of place I felt in this cavernous warehouse of sporting goods. I wandered timidly through rows of football shirts, tennis rackets, swimwear and trainers, convinced that at any minute an alarm would go off. Intruder! There - next to the lycra basketball tops! It's that guy who was crap at football at school, and used to go hide in an old warehouse rather than do PE! (This is true - the fear of paedophile tramps and/or Freddie Kruger was as nothing compared to my fear of failing to catch a cricket ball and being laughed at, so I used to bunk off every Tuesday afternoon. If you're reading this, Mr Wright, that's where I was - in a warehouse. Oh, and we all think Miss Rush fancies you. But then we all also think you're gay, for no real reason).



Where was I? Oh yes, creeping nervously through the cathedral of sport. I didn't even know where the cricket tops might be. There was a big section for cricket bats, and balls, and those big things you strap to  your legs to stop them breaking when your opponents hurl insanely fast, hard missiles at them. But no tops. Did that mean there weren't any? Or would they be in a different section? Help!

Except, of course, I couldn't ask for help. If I did, the person I asked would probably assume I was a cricketer, and start throwing cricket balls at me, and I wouldn't be able to catch them and everyone would point and laugh and that includes the girls and I would go all red and that would make them laugh more and I would have no friends and I would go home and cry and then I would read Battle Action Force comic and imagine what is would be like if I had a jet pack and a flame thrower and I was chasing them across the playground and they were on fire and screaming and then we'd see who was a puff!

Sorry.

So, you see my problem. My other worry was that, having walked round the entire shop three times staring at every single thing in case it was a cricket top in disguise, I was starting to look suspicious and people might think I was there to abduct children or something. So I left, defeated by a combination of unresolved childhood angst, poor spatial awareness and bad store planning on the part of the shop's floor manager.

Caroline came into a different store with me and found a top instantly and with great ease. This is why she is in charge.

Flowers for Jennifer

Another old video, this one from a couple of years ago.

I was trying to demonstrate some basic visual language techniques for my students, so I decided to make a very short film using a bunch of editing and filming methods, most of them stolen from '28 Days Later'.

The filming, involving my good friends Gav, Lisa and Beccy, took one very happy morning to film and a slightly more rigorous afternoon to edit. I'm quite pleased with the results.

One of the after effects I quite enjoyed was that Lisa - zombie Jennifer in the film - had a date that night and only discovered after filming that fake blood stains your face for hours afterwards. I'm pretty sure that I let her keep the flowers too. This creates a happy picture in my head of her date turning up to find her with a big bunch of flowers and all the evidence of stubble rash.

Taking Dictation

Before I marshall my thoughts on the Oscars, just a brief thought that occurred to me yesterday when listening to the news.

Apparently ex British Prime Minister and lying failure Tony Blair made a phone call to the not-very-popular Colonel Gadaffi (or Qadaffi if you are feeling like using more exotic letters) advising him to, you know, consider the terrible state Libya is in, in case he hadn't noticed.


I instantly start to get cross when I hear liar and warmonger Blair insinuating his way into the news, so I stopped listening soon afterwards. But part of my mind couldn't help playing with the thought of him phoning up Gadaffi, and wondering what the conversation went like...

*ring ring*

Gadaffi:   Hello?

Blair:       Hello there! It's Tony!

G:            Tony?

B:            Blair. Tony Blair. Blairy-babes. T-Dog.

G:            Tony! Hello my friend. Listen, now is not really a good
                time...

B:            Yes, yes, I know. Some kind of protest?

G:            Indeed. Everyone in the entire country is shouting and
               burning things and saying they want me dead.

B:            Really? Gosh.

G:            Yes, so, I must go deal with this...

B:             Well.. yes... you could do that... you could...

G:             What do you mean I could? What other option do I have?

B:             It's just... hmm... have you considered... you know...
                 just... you know...

G:             What? What?

B:             ...just ignoring them?

G              ...

B:             You know... just... go do something else. Pretend it
                 never happened.

G:             But there are millions of people, ouside my window,
                 telling me they hate me.

B:             Yeah... but... so what?

G:             Millions, Tony! All of them utterly sick of me and what I
                stand for.

B:             I hear you, G-Dog, I really do... is it G-Dog? Or Q-Dog? I'm
                never sure.

G:             Either is fine.

B:             Cool. G-Dog. All I'm saying is... I'm a millionaire.

G:             A...

B:             Millionaire. I have, literally, millions of pounds.

G:             Still? Even after...

B:             Yup. I go where I want, have lovely dinners, give the odd
                 talk about how much I love peace...

G:             Just... ignore them.

B:             Pretend they're not even there.

G:             T-Dog! My friend! You are a genius!

B:              Just draw the curtains, G-Dog.

G:             Thank you my friend!

B:             Anytime. Bye then.

G:             Goodbye!

*click*

G:            The people love me. It is terrorists that are to blame.
                The protestors are delusional... ha ha ha ha!




I'm here all week.

Place your bets...

OK, night of the Oscars, last chance to make foolish specualations an predictions. If I'm right, it will prove my incredible grasp of the industry and I will be crowned King of Clever Bananas. If I am wrong, then the industry is composed of fools and charlatans and who cares anyway?

Best Film

The King's Speech. Seems obvious, and it's what everyone is saying, but I think everyone is probably right. Small possibility The Social Network will surprise us, maybe even Black Swan, but I'm going to go with King's Speech all the same.

"Hello everyone. Cock-donkey!"

Actor in a Leading Role

Looks like it's Colin Firth's year, doesn't it? And he's doing all the right things - historical character, repressed, struggling with a disability etc. And he lost last year, so it feels like his turn (and the industry really does seem to take into account whose 'turn' it is). People are saying good things about James Franco, and I still haven't seen 127 Hours so I can't comment, but I don't think that feels right. And while Jeff Bridges is great in True Grit, I think the fact that he won last year - and beat Colin Firth last year - militates against him. Colin Firth.

"Hello everyone. Jizz muppets!"

Actor in a supporting role

If Firth wins best actor, this should really go to Geoffrey Rush. His presence in The King's Speech is what allows Firth's performance to work, and he is really good. I could imagine a spin off series with the two of them fighting crime together in a time travelling Rolls Royce. That'd be good.

More likely, though, is Christian Bale for his equally brilliant turn in The Fighter, so I'm going to go with that. His gangly, wired performance is funny, tragic and wonderfully without vanity. Let's have him, please.

Actress in a leading role

Of the roles on offer here, I've only seen Natalie Portman in Black Swan, so I kind of have to go for that. She's very good, though, and I think she deserves it. She's had a patchy career since her amazing turn in Leon - yes, Attack of the Clones, I'm thinking of you - but in this she's on fire.

Actress in a supporting role

I'd like it to be Amy Adams please, because I love her. And she's very different in the stuff I've seen her in, so I think she's got the range. I'm not sure if she'll get it though. They might give it to Helen Bonham Carter in a fit of King's Speech Award Tourettes, but I hope they don't. Bonham Carter is a perfectly fine actress and I'm glad she's not doing another Depp-esqe Burton-dance, but this isn't her finest hour.

I'd like it to be Hailee Steinfeld, for True Grit. She certainly deserves it, and there's been much grumbling about her seemingly arbitrary demotion to supporting actress. She's in every scene of the film, and she motivates the primary action of the entire narrative, so why isn't she a lead?

Ooh - I don't know. There could also be a chance of Melissa Leo, the terrifying matriarch in The Fighter. Sod it - I'm going with Amy Adams. Maybe my support for her will count for something if she ever comes to Wakefield and tries to fall in love with me.

Animated Feature

Toy Story 3. Should be best film overall, really.

Art Direction

I'm not really sure what this means. I suppose the otherwise rubbish Alice in Wonderland looks nice. Let's say that.

Cinematography

True Grit. I think I'm right in saying that Roger Deakins has never won, and he certainly deserves to, so: him.

Costume Design

I'm never sure why period pieces always seem to do so well here. I mean, the costumes in The King's Speech are nice, but they didn't design them. They looked at old pictures and went 'I'll do that'. Again, I think Alice in Wonderland deserves this, though I say this without having seen The Tempest.

Directing

Unsure. Since Inception isn't even nominated, there is no point going by merit, as the category is clearly being run by cretins. I think it'll be Fincher for The Social Network, though I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe Tom Hooper, if Speech clears the board, and just possibly Aronsofsky. But I think Fincher.

Music (original score)

Inception. Surely! Best soundtrack for years! The Social Network is a close second, as would be Tron Legacy if the idiots had nominated it. But then, King's Speech won at the BAFTAs, for no apparent reason beyond an archaic desire to like posh things. Well piss off, King's Speech. You've won everything else. Let Inception win this. Inception! Inception!

Visual Effects

Again, I'd like it to be Inception, please. Great effects, many achieved without a lazy reliance on computers, all of which are crucial to theme and narrative. The bit where Ariadne reshapes the city around her is casually brilliant, and tells us volumes about the world of the film. And the zero gravity corridor fight is so great you come out thinking it took up most of the final act, rather than the 90 seconds it actually occupies. Inception!

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

I think Aaron Sorkin for Social Network is a definite here. Great, pacy script that makes a potentially dull subject sparkle. In another year Social Network would clean up.

Writing (original screenplay)

Inception?

Just saying.


And that's most of the nominations I care about. The others I've either not seen enough films or I don't really understand the category. Sound mixing? I mean, I know what that is, but I don't think I've ever come out of a film saying 'The acting was wank, but man, that sound mixing!'

See you soon for either self satisfied gloating or a furious rampage of destruction.