Morning. Afternoon. Evening?
Welcome to another exciting journey into the world of Doctor Who. The premise is simple - I watch the show, take photos of bits that excite me and then present them to you, here. All accompanied with a vague attempt at remembering what's going on.
It doesn't matter if you know the show or not - this should be confusing enough to baffle new viewers while remaining inaccurate enough to irritate real fans.
The Time Warrior
Doctor Who sees an exciting Magic Space Ghost, playing in a big old house. This is annoying for Doctor Who, for a number of reasons.
Partly it is annoying because it challenges his theory that space ghosts don't exist, and are just a thing stupid people believe in. He likes telling people that their beliefs are nonsense, and ghosts are excellent for doing just that.
Mostly, though, he is annoyed because it means he will now have to do an investigate, when he wanted to spend the weekend in a silk robe, drinking red wine and laughing at the Brigadier's moustache.
This story sees the introduction of best companion ever, Sarah Jane Smith. Here she is, looking both delightful and confused. She has accidentally gone back in time, and is clearly unsure why this has happened.
No mention is made of the fact that she must have been inside the TARDIS, and thus seen its massive, freakish 70s disco interior. She doesn't seem to have even registered it.
This is a welcome change from the last companion, Jo Grant, who was thrown into a panic every time she met someone in an unusual hat.
The Magic Space Ghost lives here, in the past, with these guys. He doesn't want to. He thinks they're morons, and he is right. They wear jumpers made of dead cats, and shout angrily all the time - even when they're really happy and having a lovely day.
Magic Space Ghost has landed here by accident and wants desperately to leave. I think he's persuaded these guys to let him do Science Experiments in their cellar. In return he lets them play with his Space Guns, and pretends to join in the awful workplace banter.
Sarah sneaks into the bad guys' castle with this guy - Hal the Archer. They're both doing excellent sneaking, I think, and deserve to get in.
Sarah is hoping that Hal will lead her to the people in charge, so she can ask them how to get back to normal times. She's already sick of The Past - no-one bathes, everyone is a misogynist, and their selection of white wines is laughable.
Magic Space Ghost takes off his helmet and - surprise! - he's a horrible alien with terrible skin and a worse haircut. He's called a Sontaran, and his main hobbies are Science and Doing War.
He's reached a point in the adventure where he's thoroughly sick of everything that's going on. Other monsters get to do an invasion by this point, but there's only one of him, and so it would take ages. Plus, he's in olden times, so what would he even invade? There's no shops to smash up, or landmarks to destroy.
It is stupid being him and he does not like it.
I can't remember what's going on here. I think the Main Bad Guy has tried to fight the Sontaran, and it has gone badly for him. The Sontaran may look like he was drawn by a child who wasn't really paying attention, but he is excellent at hitting people in the face.
The Bad Guy is now trying to think of a way to backpedal. Maybe he could pretend that 'Toad Face' is Earth slang for "Really cool guy" and that hitting people with an axe is a mark of respect?
Doctor Who finally turns up and decides to get involved in the story. Sarah has changed into this rather fetching top and now looks like she's spending the weekend at a festival.
Doctor Who is anxious to take her away from all this, and get her up to speed on the basic rules of Being His Companion. These involve:
a) Telling him he is amazing.
b) Making sure he has first dibs on any snacks or alcohol they come across in their travels.
c) Ignoring the things other aliens say about him - they are all liars, and stupid faces, and jealous, and anyway, it was self defence.
d) Not minding if he suddenly tires of her and leaves her behind and gets someone new.
Doctor Who confronts the Sontaran, and says, "Stop invading the past. Also, your face is awful, and you have no friends."
The Sontaran finds this very hurtful, and expresses this by trying to shoot Doctor Who with his laser wand. Sadly for him, Doctor Who has got a special metal swirly thing, which makes the lasers bounce off. Or something. I can't remember how it ends. I think the archer guy from earlier kills the Sontaran, and then Doctor Who runs off, shouting "I have won again!"
Invasion of the Dinosaurs
This story is amazing. Massive Dinosaurs arrive in London and smash up some houses.
It is not very realistic, though, because everyone runs away and goes to live somewhere else. I do not think that is what would happen. I think everyone would go, "Hurray! Dinosaurs!" and run around laughing with delight, and drawing pictures of dinosaurs, and trying to ride on their backs. You wouldn't leave, would you?
This Dinosaur looks a little confused. He seems to have got half way through destroying the house, and had a sudden existential crisis. What did I come in here for? What's going on? What am I doing with my life?
Sergeant Benton arrives and gets out a big map. He's showing everyone the best places to go if they want to see a dinosaur. The place he's pointing at is the one he considers to have the best, most fun dinosaurs.
Sarah, on the other hand, looks furious. Whoever she's talking to has clearly said something very stupid. Now, normally that would be Sergeant Benton, but he's right there next to her. Maybe Doctor Who is just out of shot, shouting "Boring!" and repeating everything Benton says in a "thick person" voice.
Usually Doctor Who's companions just let him get on with being rude, sexist and drunk. Not Sarah Jane. She looks like she's saying "Shut your god damn mouth and let Sergeant Benton tell us about the Dinosaurs. And get a haircut - you look like an old woman."
Doctor Who goes to see the Dinosaurs. This one is all spiky and has a comically small head. It is looking around as if all its friends have gone to a club, but it can't remember which one, and now it is lost in a dangerous part of town.
Doctor Who does not seem at all excited to see the Spiky Dinosaur. He's just going, "Oh," like you would if you saw that Hot Fuzz was on ITV3 again. You'd quite like to watch it, but it wouldn't really matter if you forgot, and in fact you probably will forget and it won't really matter because you've got it on BluRay.
Raaar! It's that Dinosaur from smashing up the house earlier. He looks furious. Perhaps he's heard that this story is called 'Invasion of the Dinosaurs', and he's outraged at the injustice. He's not invading anything. How could he? What's he going to do - issue a list of demands? Dissolve the government? Build slave camps?
The media are rarely sympathetic in their treatment of Dinosaurs, and you never see them on Question Time.
Doctor Who has found a Dinosaur, and made it fall asleep, and now it's next door, having a snooze. He seems to instantly regret this, and is asking Sarah if she has any ideas what to do next.
Sarah does not have any ideas. Apart from, maybe, "Have a plan in the first place before you bring a massive Dinosaur into the house."
Eventually the story ends and all the Dinosaurs go back home to the past. This is a great shame, as it has been loads of fun having them about.
They've also made a bit of an effort to fit in. This one has been learning about what to do at a T-Junction. He's got it wrong, but he's trying, and that's what counts.
That's all for this story. There was a whole subplot about a spaceship, but apparently I didn't bother taking any pictures of that. So you'll just have to imagine it.
See you later, for more of this - Doctor Who's eleventh season.
If you want to look at earlier stories - go here to see the end of Season 10.
If you are desperate to find out what happens to Doctor Who next, go here for more of season 11.
