I'm watching all of Doctor Who, in order, from the start. It's very rewarding, except sometimes, when it makes you doubt all your life choices.
But on the whole, it's lots of fun. And the good news for you is, you never need to watch it yourself. Just read my comprehensive guide to the stories and you'll get - at the very least - the general gist. And there's pictures!
Two stories today, both from Season 10.
Planet of the Daleks
In this story, Doctor Who meets the Daleks again. This is starting to happen quite a lot, and neither party is really excited by it anymore. The look on Doctor Who's face pretty much says, "Here we go - another evening of going through the usual motions, as if it still means anything to either of us."
The Dalek gets through it by imagining Doctor Who as he was when he was younger. Which is to say, as a silver haired older guy who cackles all the time.
Jo, meanwhile, has been captured by invisible guys. They wrap her up in this super comfortable looking blanket, and then just stand around admiring how lovely her hair is, and maybe drawing pictures of her sleeping and pretending she is their girlfriend.
There's some of the invisible guys. Except you can't tell they're invisible, because they're wearing those lovely fluffy blankets. I think they work for the Daleks, carrying their stuff around.
I suppose there could be loads more invisible guys, just wandering around naked, and not doing anything for the Daleks at all, and just laughing at the guys in the cloaks.
Hang on. That means that the guys watching Jo were also naked. That feels less cute now.
Doctor Who's evening with the Daleks is going badly. Neither of them can think of anything new to say to each other.
Also the Daleks are planning to explode a bomb that will kill everyone on the planet, which Doctor Who has told them time and again is something which gets on his nerves and he really wishes they would stop doing it.
The Daleks are notorious for nodding, but not really listening.
These Daleks look awesome, though, don't they? They are very well lit, and have amazing shadows. They are excited by this, but also a little sad, because shadows are a constant reminder to them that they can't make shadow puppets.
Or do anything hand-related.
Or feel love.
It turns out there are millions of Daleks, all playing underground on the Planet of the Daleks. Soon it will be time to go out and do a big invasion of the whole galaxy. They are pleased about this. It is boring in the cave, and they have sung all the songs they know.
This Dalek is a startling yellow and has a torch for an eye. All the other Daleks are crowding round him, pretending to talk about the mission, but really trying to find ways to ask him where he got all his cool accessories.
The reason he looks so amazing is because he is the King Dalek, and he has come to see how the invasion plans are going. This is terrible news for the rest of the Daleks, because they have just been zooming up and down in the jungle, shooting at trees and pestering the invisible guys. That's not the mission, and they know it.
Doctor Who and Jo team up with these guys, who are Thals. They have come to fight the Daleks too, and are delighted to find that Doctor Who - the legendary destroyer of Daleks - is here to help.
Doctor Who is mortified. His technique of doing nothing at all, but then taking the credit for it later, has finally caught up with him. Now everyone expects him to have an actual plan.
Also, it has to be said, Doctor Who is way overdressed for this adventure. Now that everyone else is dressed for serious space action, it throws into sharp relief that he is dressed as if he's meeting Oscar Wilde for an evening of opium and crumpets.
King Dalek chases Doctor Who and through the jungle for a bit. The other Daleks lag behind, saying things like, "We've tried this, it doesn't work," and, "Watch out for stinging nettles."
King Dalek doesn't care, though. He may be made of metal and have no soul, but the prospect of an exciting jungle full of invisible naked natives is too much to resist. This will be the beginning of a new exciting phase in his life, where he remembers that the job isn't everything.
Except it isn't, because a volcano made of ice explodes and buries him and all his friends in freezing sludge forever.
Eventually the Thals blow up the Daleks and Doctor Who runs away. It is clearly dawning on Jo that this is standard practice, and now she thinks about it, Doctor Who has almost never actually done anything to hasten the end of the story.
Doctor Who is trying to distract Jo by going, "Look - on the scanner - loads of Daleks being eaten by an ice volcano!" But it's no good. Jo knows that they never get to actually see anything expensive.
The Green Death
It's the last story of the season, and Jo is feeling wistful.
Three years of accompanying Doctor Who on his 'never stop drinking' tour-of-the-universe have finally taken their toll, and she's thinking of sneaking off to do something better.
Or maybe she's just thinking, "I need to either get a haircut or bite the bullet and join a Scottish pop-rock group."
This is lovely, isn't it? They still know to have fun, Doctor Who and Jo. It's the first time he seems to have genuinely got on with one of his companions. Usually when they leave, it's because he's sick of them and kicks them out. Or sometimes they die. A couple of times he seemed to forget they existed, and left the story without them.
I wonder what they're laughing about? All the deaths they've witnessed? And, in some cases, inadvertently caused?
Doctor Who decides to go have his own private adventure in the middle of this story. He goes to a planet made of blue, and steals some of their stuff, including some jewels.
It's never really explained why. I think, by now, he just kind of assumes that everything is his, and that he is the king of everywhere he goes.
Jo, meanwhile, has gone to Wales, to investigate the Green Death, which is what the story is called. She is staying in this house and reading about Green Death, to find out why it happens.
That little guy on the right knows why. It is because he is a giant maggot, and he bites people, and then they catch Green Death. He likes the look of Jo, and he's going to bite her next.
So Jo will soon know the answer, which is good, but she will be too busy going, "Aaarrggg, I've caught Green Death!" to put the information to much use.
It soon becomes apparent that the Green Death is being caused by an Evil Corporation spewing slime into a pit, and making the maggots big and everything.
Doctor Who goes to their building and starts kicking people in the face. He may well have killed the guy on the left. It's a small price to pay, though, for fighting Evil Capitalism.
I like that the guard on the top left is politely waiting his turn to attack Doctor Who. Or maybe he's going to see how the other guard gets on, and then switch allegiance if the answer is 'Doctor Who punches his head off."
Hurray! It's the Brigadier and Sergeant Benton. They've come to Wales too, for their annual adventure running around shooting aliens.
Benton is clearly annoying the Brigadier already. "And do you remember when I shot at the Autons? They died, didn't they? And do you remember when I attacked The Master? He was scared of me, wasn't he? And do you remember when I confronted Omega? He's gone now, isn't he?"
Raaar! The giant maggots are pretty great. They would make excellent pets. Apart from giving everyone Green Death. You'd be constantly apologising, and offering to pay for dry cleaning and funeral expenses.
Jo, meanwhile, has decided to spend this adventure finding a boyfriend. Her criteria: "A bit like Doctor Who, but without the drinking, gluttony, inexplicable mood swings and patronising attitude."
She should have also specified something about dress sense and hair. But I guess you can't have everything. This guy is pretty good, and very likeable, and he only occasionally laughs at Jo for being stupid.
The prospect of change has driven Doctor Who to unusual behaviours. Here we see him dressing as a cleaning woman, ostensibly so he can infiltrate the Evil Company.
Then his mate Mike Yates walks in, having infiltrated the company perfectly well while dressed completely normally.
It's fine, Doctor Who. Dress how you want. Your life choices are your own business. You don't need to make excuses to us.
This is the guy in charge of the Evil Company. And that's his Evil Computer, crackling away in the corner.
They're both a lot of fun to spend time with, and say lots of super evil things, like, "Pour more toxic slime into Wales!" and "Cause more Green Death!" and "Eliminate the intruders! Even the ones dressed as women for no reason!"
Doctor Who blows up the computer and gets changed back into what, for him, counts as 'normal clothes'.
He is horrified to discover that, while he's been fighting guys in car parks and shouting at computers, Jo has started having a romance. Weirdly, he seems to be discussing this with guy he's hardly met, rather than asking Jo what's going on.
He's probably saying, "I'd be careful if I were you. She gets captured a lot, and her dress sense is terrible, and she doesn't laugh at really funny jokes until, oh, wait, here comes The Master and apparently suddenly everything he says is the most hilarious thing ever. Also, when you've got a hangover, all she does is laugh and turn up her music."
The boyfriend isn't listening. He's just shouting, "Let's go and make out behind this old guy!"
Jo is off, to live with the other guy. Doctor Who gives her one of the massive diamonds he stole from the blue planet. Jo just accepts this, as if it's a normal gift. It's a colossal jewel, Jo! He's obviously nicked it! And what are you going to do with it? Put it on a ring?
Actually, look at her rings. That's almost definitely what she's going to do.
Devastated by the loss of his favourite companion yet, Doctor Who turns immediately to alcohol. He will be sad without Jo, but also he will soon forget what her face looked like and probably her name. And then where he lives.
It's OK. Sergeant Benton or the Brigadier will drive him home. Doctor Who still has people who love him. He drinks, and he's rude, and he occasionally saves the earth. That's just who he is.
That's the end of that season. Hope you have enjoyed it.
Go back in time to see Season 10: Part two
Or go forward, to see Season 11.
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