Tuesday, 15 August 2017

Time is relative: Season 7, part two

Good evening and welcome!

Doctor Who is brilliant and people who say otherwise are liars. To prove this, I'm watching all of Doctor Who, from the very start. There is loads of it. I am up to 1970, so here are two stories from then.

The Ambassadors of Death

This story is about some guys going into space. There's one of them, on the huge TV at the back. It's a big deal and everyone is very excited. Except the Brigadier, who can be seen dozing off. He has a friend who goes into space quite a lot, so doesn't care as much.

This bit is meant to be on TV. I mean, it's all on TV, but this bit is on TV in the context of the story. That's why the bearded guy is talking to us. He's saying, "Hello, here is space news!"

 Doctor Who and his assistant Liz come to do some investigating. I forget why. Actually, I think they're already there when the story starts, which is bizarre. It used to be that Doctor Who would turn up somewhere and everyone would say, "We are having a huge crisis already!" and he would try to help, or, if he was the First Doctor Who, run away.

Nowadays he's here before the story starts. Which feels like cheating.

Before too long, the Brigadier finds some bad guys to shoot at. This seems to have taken him to a special emotional, possibly sexual place.

Doctor Who is cross with the guys running the space stuff. All the astronauts have gone missing, which is not meant to happen. The guy at the desk looks like he was hoping Doctor Who wouldn't notice. He really shouldn't have lost the astronauts. It's basically the last thing you want to happen.

I like all the big sets in this story. It all seems very impressive. Doctor Who is loving it too. He's strutting up and down, shouting at everyone. He's thinking, "I'm excellent at being in charge. I should have done this years ago!"

It would not have worked. He was small and weird looking, and people would have just thrown bread at him.

Soon, the Ambassadors of Death show up. This one is going for a walk in the afternoon sun. He looks amazing. He wishes more people were here to see him. Although he would just kill them, so it's probably for the best.

The Ambassador of Death kills a guy. Which is very much the 'Of Death' bit of his vocation. Now he's trying to stay still - he knows that Doctor Who will be mortified if he knows anyone is watching him play with the dead guy's face.

This woman reads out space countdowns. She is the most gormless looking person I have ever seen.

There's a lot going on in this picture, isn't there? Liz has been captured by evildoers, who are friends with the Ambassadors of Death. Not that good friends, though - they keep them in a special room behind toughened glass.

The Ambassador of Death on the left is wondering if he can come out and be in the regular room with everyone else and do whatever it is they are doing. He won't be allowed, in case he does any Death and it gets on the carpet.

If you take an Ambassador of Death's helmet off, it looks like this. Everyone is instantly sick and starts weeping and running away. This makes me sad for the Ambassadors of Death. It looks like this one might be crying, though that could just be the hideous contours of its horrible face.

The story ends with a big confrontation. Unfortunately, the narrative has been quite adult, and no-one is really sure who is completely to blame. They all stand around looking embarrassed for quite a while. That's what you get for trying to be nuanced. No-one knows who to shoot.

Eventually Doctor Who decides he's bored and walks off. That's how it ends. He just walks out of the story. It's not finished, Doctor Who! Everyone is still standing around doing stuff!

Nope. He's off.


This is more like it. This week, Doctor Who meets a man who has turned into a big hairy slime mutant. He looks frankly ridiculous and is, quite rightly, hoping no-one has seen him.

Doctor Who reacts to this by getting sucked into a parallel universe. It makes his entire face slide off. This ruins his hair, which is why he's pulling that sad face.

In the parallel universe, all Doctor Who's friends are evil. That's evil Sergeant Benton, next to him. You can tell he's evil, because of the evil face he's pulling. Normal Sergeant Benton would never pull such a face, and Doctor Who knows it.

Even the Brigadier has gone evil in this universe. Though with him it just means he shoots a slightly wider range of people than usual.

I like the picture in the background. I think it's meant to be the leader of the whole country. He looks furious. But I suppose the administration of a country where everyone is evil must be quite demanding. Loads of your council tax bill would have to go on policing, for example, and I bet no-one pays their TV licence.

Back in the normal universe, not-evil Brigadier and Liz are watching an argument between these two snappy dressers. The guy on the left is saying "Don't drill into the earth - it will make everyone into slime monsters, and then the world will blow up."

The guy on the right is saying, "That sounds awesome. I'm definitely doing it."

Because they do carry on drilling into the earth, loads more slime mutants turn up. They look amazing. The leader here is asking if anyone wants to see the dance routine they have been practicing. The lady is thinking it would be rude to say no, especially as they have arranged dry ice.

 The dance routine does not go well and many, many people die. The slime mutants are plunged into a depression which lasts for the rest of the story.

The alternative universe explodes, but not before Doctor Who tells them all that they are jerks and that he definitely wouldn't ever come back, even if the whole place wasn't about to blow up.

Evil Brigadier responds by pulling possibly the stupidest expression anyone has ever pulled. He talks tough, but he's not really ready for such harsh criticism and his personality has collapsed in direct response.

Evil Liz is just smouldering at the camera. She dies as well, and then - in the normal universe - Real Liz leaves the show forever. A shame, as she was lots of evil, sexy fun.

That's all for Season 7. It's a strange one, full of serious drama, subtle characterisation and also dinosaurs and werewolves. Good old Doctor Who.

If you missed my ruminations on part one of Season Seven, they can be found here.

Season Eight will be here before you can say "Well that's a pair of trousers, if ever I saw one!"

I've done it! It's here.