Fett, Boba

Some more of my astonishingly enlightening Star Wars encyclopedia.

F

Fett, Boba.


Once upon a time, ‘Fett’ was an exotic, space age sounding name with no definable meaning. Now, sadly, it has been revealed that ‘Fett’ is simply his last name, thanks to the presence of his dad, Jango. So now he’s just mundane old ‘Mr Fett’. Boo! Similar indignities were heaped upon Jabba the Hutt, where apparently ‘the Hutt’ is a surname of sorts, rather than a mysterious title. How dull. Now I can imagine them getting bank statements, or filling in council tax exemption forms. I want my villains to remain inscrutable, Lucas!!!!


G

Girth.


As in weight. As in size. As in fatness. If there’s one thing that will mark you for death in Star Wars, it’s being a fatty. Lucasfilm’s anti-fatty agenda is first noticeable in A New Hope when one of the first casualties of the Battle of Yavin is the aptly named ‘Porkins’. I mean, what kind of a name is that? Is it his real name? Surely fate cannot have been that cruel. But why would the rebels use a nickname – and a highly derogatory one at that – to communicate with the very men who stand between them and having their planet blown into eighty million pieces? It would hardly be good for morale. Anyway, I digress. Porkins buys it for being fat. And then we get Jabba. Fattest man-thing in the universe, and thus evil. Looking at the test footage, it is clear that Lucas always wanted the Hutt to be a porker. And then kill him. Because being fat is clearly the same as being evil.

I had another example but I’ve forgotten it.

 

 

General Grievous (an acrostic)

Get me, I’ve got
Ever so many lightsabres
Nicked ‘em from Jedi, I did
‘Elped myself to ‘em when they was dead
Rifled through their pockets for loose change too
And then scarpered
Legged it, or wheeled it rather, into the distance


Got a right terrible cough, I ‘ave
Reminding me constantly of that time
‘Im with the shiny head
Exploded my lungs with ‘is force powers
Vowed revenge that very day
On every living creature that could breathe easily
Unlikely I’ll be able to kill all of ‘em
So I guess I’ll jut ponce around in an inferior film achieving
                         relatively little until someone kills me in a
                                                 manner so banal I’ve forgotten it